I know that until the age of 36 (since I went into recovery) I didnt feel that I had the right to like my dad, my real father. I felt like I had to feel the same way that she did. She hated him and she always let us know that, she let us believe for a lifetime that she hated him and she never once encouraged our relationship with him. When we first moved out of the family home we went to my grandfathers and a new school. Within months we became the W******* (step fathers surname) much to our dads disgust. We just thought it was a new name and I don’t even think that we were ever consulted and neither were we sat down and given a chat to say that we are no longer living with Dad and that we would only see him weekends, if we were it was just the once and we made to feel like we could not talk about it because Mum hated him so much and this new man “A*****” was the answer to all of our prayers. He paid her so much attention and she didn’t need her children. I don’t know why she just didn’t let dad have custody. She never wanted us. Not only to I feel that but and know and she confirmed it to me when I was 34. Every weekend that we went away either every other or every third we were parked in the hallway or sent outside on the pavement to await my dads arrival. She packed dirty clothes, clothes with holes in or shoes with holes in, or not enough clothes and sometimes non atall. This was her way of telling my dad that she hated him. She didn’t ever come face to face with him until I was 32 at my sons Party. I had never seem them in the same square foot in all those years. I hate the way that she hates my dad. I could punch her for that. I could punch her hard for that. What did my Dad ever do to her that was so bad, that we had to grow frightened to mention our Dads name in front of her. This was even last year, I only have to say “Oh Dads over and I am seeing him that weekend”. I know it totally screws with her and she cant stand the fact that she has lost control of that side of her life, but that is where my Dad has been a good parent. He never gave up on us, not like her.
How could I ever possible express my anger at being so badly abandoned to someone who totally denies her part in this. I went to court and A****** went to prison and publicly he has had to face some of what he did. He has faced the fact that what he did was an inprisonable offence and it is against the law ans in my opinion it is against humanity and it is cruelty to abuse a child. He abused me for over 10 years and I will never forgive him. It feels like the act of abuse I can get my head around in so much as the abuse made me feel sexual in the same way that I can feel sexual as an adult, however the effects of the abuse have dominated and continue presently to affect me deeply. Yet my mum, sitting pretty, pretending that she knew nothing of the abuse, never doing anything about the abuse, and know she thinks that she can become a counsellor. I find this really hard to comprehend that other people may one day sit in front of my mum with a story not that dissimilar to mine and that she will “feel empathy” for them. There has not been one emphatic bone in her body. There has not been one occaision in my entire life that she has ever approached me independently to say that she is sorry or how does she think about how I cope each day in my daily life. We have never got to that point because she has always said on so many occaisions pre prison of my step father “you just want to ruin my life” and post prison “I have had my therapy I have done horse shoe, and I have dealt with this”. If you have got stuff to deal with then deal with it and I am not going to take anymore. I am not going to listen to this anymore. Isnt it about time you got some counselling.
She has never been the understanding mum. She has never taken the time to find out how it feels for an abused child. Read books, ask questions, talk to me, use her intuition to look at her own life experience and impart some knowledge, to look at a deeper understanding of her own life to realize that she had a lot to do with the abuse. Certainly the length of time that it went on for and certainly for the way that it was dealt with. This is what has caused so much of my pain.
What I feel is really really f****** up now is that she is training in her third year i believe to be a counsellor - it makes you wonder. It makes me wonder how strong denail can be.
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