Angela,
Your last mail at last starts to uncover the truth, when challenged you immediately revert to your comfort position, victim, survivor call it what you will and the abuser as the never changing unrepentant bad man.
You are not, it appears, receiving professional help at all.
As long as you shy away from such help you will never recover and always be a survivor.
I am sorry if you feel I am being patronizing and harsh but every time you are confronted the defence of ‘victim’ is thrown up, you immediately try to send me off on a guilt trip by repeating yet again how bad it is and has been for you, as if I did not hear or understand the last dozen times and yet when seeking real, professional help is suggested you refuse. Is this I wonder why you have such little contact with your mum, bluntly put you will not do anything that may remove your ‘victim/survivor’ shield.
Despite what you have said I have not cut off this contact and I have answered your questions
I will not be sending the police copies of this, the last or future messages, I see them as private and confidential. I have asked that they leave the situation alone as we seem to have reached some understanding regarding personal privacy, I have not given them your address and work details ( we are all fairly easy to find)and they seem unable to trace you anyway.
Did my mother know about the abuse in your opinion. Mathew knew because he saw you several times.I think that your mother suspected but did not actually know or not want to know, Mathew’s statement before the trial said that he saw nothing so I am a little confused. He appears to have changed what he said or remembers.
She said she suspected on several occasions. Did she discuss this with you or ask if there was "something going on.No, never
if she did not know did she ever discuss with you why I cried so much, why I lied so much and why I was the way I was.We did talk about on occasions, especially the marked difference in the way she treated you and Mathew, she always put it down to not being able to bond with you when you were a baby.
Did you ever talk to her about how much she hit me. Did it scare you that she may knew and that I might talk if she behaved in such a way.See above and yes it did worry me
My mother told me that you were violent towards her and held knives to her throat and abused her sexually too. Is this true or is she lying.She is lying
Do you think that she hated me pre or post abuse.No, I do not, she was just never very paternal.
Do you think that she was a good mother. If you do can you state how or as you see it on reflection.She had her own problems, a very nasty divorce and death of her mother all went against her, she tried her best
Did you pref sex with me or my mother.I have never asked the question of myself so I cannot answer, I think it a strange question anyway
Did she blame me or think it was my fault No never, but I think she blamed you for telling her.
Do you think I asked for it (I used to be ill so you could come to my room - knowing what you would do) Did you know this.I was old enough to know better, you were not, you were not to blame
Why did my mother never take care of me when I was ill. Did you have control over my mother. She couldn't’t be bothered, no I did not have control over her
Did you ever consider stopping of your own accord.Yes, after every time
Were you an alcoholic or did you drink prior to coming to my room No I was not an alcoholic and drink was not a factor
How did you feel when you were abusing me This took place many years ago and I truly cannot remember my feelings at the time.
Did you enjoy it Not really, it’s about control
Did you think it was wrong every time/ some of the time/normal/bad I KNEW it was wrong every time
Did you think it was ok How many ways do you want to ask the same question?
Did you ever think that it would have been best for you to leave. did you consider leaving or was it just back then not very wrong what you did. Yes I did, and yes I did and please read above
On a scale of 1 - 10 1 being not wrong and 10 very wrong back then where would you have rated what you did - what about my mother - how would she of rated it in your opinion. I am the very last person to ‘rate’ what I did or your mothers performance, again I think it a strange question
There was always so much pornography in the house videos, magazines etc. On reflection would you say that you were you a sex addict and that is how the abuse stemmed to me.There was adult material in the house, kept out of the way and I do not think it was a factor. No I do not think I was a sex addict
What were your issues with sex and what led you to abuse me.I cannot remember having ‘issues’ with sex that led to abuse, up until I started to abuse you my sex life was normal
Was it premeditated - was it something that you thought of as a child. It was only a very short time when you met my mother to the first time you abused me in my grandfathers bedroom.I suggest that you read my previous message regarding your statement VERY carefully, I did not abuse you at all whilst you lived in slough at your grandfather’s house, nothing happened until we moved to Newbury
Was I sexual as a child.Yes
Was I needy and desperate for love or attention. Yes
Did I flirt with you.Yes
What was it about me.You were there and receptive
Did you you seek out my mother on purpose knowing that she had a child so you could abuse.Absolutely not, I met your mother and was attracted to her alone, it never entered my head that I should marry her to abuse her children, just the opposite, the fact that she had children gave me enormous pause for thought
How did you feel before and after you abuse me - give me an example of went on for you mentally and physically.Please see my previous answers, I really do not remember
How often did you discuss the abuse with my mother Rarely, it would lead to very acrimonious one sided (your mothers) ‘discussions’.
Did you both discuss ever think or consider that I may need help. How seriously did you think about the effects it would have on me.Your mother and I both knew you needed help and we did discuss it, when she suggested therapy (and if I remember correctly she organized a therapist at one time) to you you refused, you would rather go off on any crackpot or fringe group you could find rather than talk to a professional who could help you. The answer for you always seemed to be in the next relationship, the next idea, faith healers, magic crystals, herbal remedies, alcohol and drugs, anything but professional help. Yes, we were both well aware of the damage it caused, we could see it but we couldn’t help, you would not let us, I think that you did some of it to punish us which it did.
Are you angry with me.Yes, but not for the past, please see my comments further on.
What books have you read about abuse then I will read what you have read.I stopped reading books on the subject many years ago, as I have said before I have had to move on
What did you learn from them.I really was more concerned about things from the abusers side, what happened with you took me completely by surprise. I did not know what to do, how to stop the abuse or how to deal with the terrible guilt during and after it all ended (this may be where you remember me drinking heavily). I was determined never to put another child through what you had to endure, that means understanding what went on in my head, what thought process gave me continual justification for what I did and how to stop the cycle.
Have you ever had therapy Yes
do you consider that my father may have been cold because you and my mother were running a dysfunctional house and harbouring a secret that he at the time had no knowledge of No, I just think that he is a cold person.
When I left home at 16 were you both relieved.Yes and also ashamed that we had failed you
Is there anything that you think I should apologize to you for? From the past, no
What was life like - My mother said it was like living on egg shells and that both thought I had control of your lives - why was this?I think that we both thought that you had the ability to wreck our lives at any time you wished, that this threat was real or perceived does not matter, you had power over us and our future, it was only after our marriage finally fell apart and that I was no longer a viable breadwinner that your mother decided to jump ship
Was your father an abuser. He was a sexual man always touching your mothers inside leg and used to rub me in an inappropriate manor No, he was not and I will not discuss my family.
My mother told me that ***** your sister abused you - is this true. (This was how I was forced to forgive you by my mother because it happened to you)I once confided in your mother that an incident had taken place between myself and my sister when we were children, it was a minor incident that I think your mother grasped and changed into some tale of ‘systematic abuse’ in my family. I had no idea that she used this tale to force you to forgive me.
My therapist is aware we are in touch and she supports me and like all the books say that if you have the courage it is the most healing thing that you can do to confront your abuser and pain. The courage to Heal is the book that I use. This book offers a process and has been read by hundreds of thousands of victims and is rated the no 1 book for healing.It has also been rubbished by many highly experienced professionals, which the authors of the book are not. It appears from your last message that you are not seeing a professional therapist in fact you are not seeing a therapist at all. Please read the review below
http://www.division42.org/MembersArea/Nws_Views/articles/Reviews_Books/courage_to_heal.html
Now that I have contacted you and you said you will continue to answer my questions will you ever be able to put yourself in my shoes and wonder how my life has been affected.How can anyone ‘put themselves in some one else’s shoes’ it is a misnomer, I have no idea what it feels like to be abused. If it makes any difference to you I do know what real fear means, I do know what real despair means, I do know what a complete lack of self respect and a complete lack of control in your life means. I have experienced depths of despair and self loathing that I did not know existed.
How will I know if you are sorry for what you did to me.I have said I am sorry many times before, unlike you I do not now recant what I have said. When I said sorry I truly meant it, I have confessed my guilt and suffered the consequences, which have been severe, what more do you want from me to demonstrate that I am sorry and accept the harm that I have caused.
Please note: You are accusing me of lying in my statement. There were so many times that you abused me. Are you aware that when a victim is abused excessively over a prolonged period of time that they can become confused over events and maybe I have and I agree there maybe some confusion. It matters not that I may have been in error about recounting events, yet it is how I saw it from being abused excessively. You also haven't mentioned on your last mail in the points 1 2 and 3 that point 4 would be all the hundreds of events that I didn't included - there were so many the police only had 10 hours to dedicate to taking my statement as they felt my case was sensitive that they did not want to keep making me recount and I felt that it only takes one event of this kind of abuse to ruin a child's life. I do not accuse you of lying, as you admit your memory of events is confused and hazy, please see my previous comments regarding your statement
Your mails toward me remain extremely harsh, patronizing and very angry. I can only assume you are angry with me and still hold me responsible for "ruining and destroying your life.I am not angry with you regarding ruining my life before, I deserved that. What I am becoming concerned about is that you have forced this contact on me and then complain that it is not as you want it.
Please continue this contact harsh or not I need some answers. I do not need truth on my terms. I have only had myself to make things up as I go along. I have had no nurturing or role models. Ive been abused and mentally affected. Please try to understand that I am trying to get over it and get healthy but for me there is so much that is suppressed that needs to come out and that is why I am asking for your help.
I really do not know if I am helping you at all, I am not convinced that you have a therapist at all and I am still suspicious of your motives. When I asked the police in their experience how many survivors contact their abusers they told me none, this is the first time they have known it, it does not therefore seem to me that this is normal behavior
I appreciate that you have contacted me back and hope that you continue to do so.As I have said I will maintain this contact, but it cannot be open ended
You said you would answer my questions. You did not in the last mail as you have decided it is not necessary for me to know. The point in my contacting you is these are the things I want to know. I am not interested in your opinion of how life works for you and your opinion of how I should deal with this. You are right this is about me and what works for me. Otherwise you are just in control. Regardless of how you answer I take it to therapy and the way that you respond only helps me to see how things - you and my mother have shaped and influenced me and how my warped mind over time. Funny really. I am starting to see a bit clearer now.
What I will not do is answer all of your questions regardless of what you ask.
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