No this is not about money. This is about me trying really hard very very hard to repair my life. I don't want to be unfair but I've sent a few pleading emails and you had a few punches and that does not compair to what you did to me.
Truthfully Im seeking some compassion from the two people that were supposed to take care of me and deep down I'm hoping that maybe they can be sorry and make me feel like it wasn't my fault. I am in therapy, I'm doing really well at my 12 step meetings and working through steps. I want to be able to pass the message to other survivors of child sexual abuse that there is a message out there that says "that if someone causes you harm instead of perpetuating a never end world of torment - there is hope and the people that have harmed you are willing to make amends" and maybe to help reduce child abuse happening and the devastating effects that it has on the family. You maybe have a life know and know one knows yet my life everyone I meet that means anything to me has to know about my past because I cant function properly unless they know, and that includes being a mother to my son. I haven't bonded with him because I still am incapable of showing my feelings. he is 8 now and when he reaches the age where I can talk to him as an adult I will spend so much time apologizing to him for just not being there for him and I will too have to tell him why - that most of my life I am just completely numb and know not how to love and cherish anything good in my life because I just feel like I don't deserve to be happy
I have been in denial for many years and totally minimized what happened and how it affected me so deeply. I want this to be over for me and I know that the only person I need to forgive is myself and I want to say if you don't want to help me then it is your choice obviously but cant you understand that I want to put the pieces of my life together. You wrote to Mum from prison saying that you wanted my forgiveness. How exactly were you going to that. There are things that I want to know and surely this too is a chance for you to undo what you did. When you die one day you can say that I did a massive injustice in the world but I did everything I could to put it right. It wont be an easy thing to do, I can assure you that as far as meeting you is concerned I want to keep this anonymous and civilized.
I m not harassing you - I am asking for my life back - and I am asking you if you will help. I want to hear your side of the story from the day it started to today, and I want to know what my mothers part in it was.
I can assure you that this is only about my recovery and I have no interest in involving anyone that you know. And will not come around to your house. I'm not daft why would do anything if I was jeopardizing your life, but I am determined to recover.
Thank you for listening
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