Only 4

I have spoken about this situation so many times and yet have never really looked at just how powerless I was. I was no more than 3ft high. I was a tiny innocent little girl who knew nothing of how these events would eventually end up nearly destroying me and never had any concept of the far reaching effects on myself, my family and those around me. As I lay there in the bed in one moment I was an innocent pure angelic trusting child and the next I had become a victim, a sexual toy, a liar, a fraud, disconnected and severely confused adult. My childhood lasted for a little under five years. When I compare that to O***** now aged 7 he still doesn’t understand the world around him, perhaps he wont ever as he will hopefully get to live in childhood well into his teens due to his Autism, Yet I would imagine that children of his age or his peers are just starting to understand the world around them. Yet my world was now filled with darkness, rules of going to bed with no knickers, late night visits from a disgusting, hairy giant that was stealing my life and I had no idea that I needed to tell him that it was very wrong what he had done and what he was doing.

That night – the first night. I was wearing a white cotton nightdress with a picture of a little girl on the front wearing a big bonnet and carrying a big basket filled with flowers. I was lying on one of the twin beds in my grandfather’s room. He must have been sat on the bed but I can’t see him in my mind, I have got my eyes open and I am looking at the ceiling, everything seems so vast and I can hear his voice telling what do to. “lift your nightie up Angie, I can remember the shame, I can remember feeling shy because I was lying with my nightie around my waist and he just sat there for what seemed an age. He asked me to move my legs apart. He just sat there smiling at me and stayed there for ages. He reached out and touched me and it sent me into my body feelings shooting all over the place, feelings that I had never know existed. Suddenly he was gone, my nightie was pulled down and the covers thrown over me. I could hear him out on the landing then down the stairs, 13 steps. I counted. Then I counted 13 again, he was back upstairs the door was opening and I shut my eyes quickly, I sensed fear and panic, I was so petrified, so scared, the covers were pulled back. He said again lift your nightie, I didn’t move – so he did it, Move you legs apart he said it twice – I didn’t move he did it. And then he touched my vagina that I didn’t even know existed! He just kept rubbing it and rubbing it. I felt like I was going to wet myself. It was starting to feel nice. It felt realy good. He kept saying over and over “Is that nice Angie, is that nice Angie.” I started to press back on his hands and I complied with everywhere he moved me. He lifted me up and put a pillow underneath my bottom, and then he put his head in between my legs and pushed his tongue out. I think some urine came out. He moved the pillow. He pulled my nightie down, pulled the sheets back over me. I heard rustling and thru the slits of my shut eyes his took off the pillow case and put the pillow somewhere. He left the room and left me there alone in the dark, feeling shell shocked but at the same time I felt so very special. He gave me some one to one, some time, some love, some touch, I felt like I had just come alive and this was to be our special thing. I wanted more.

That was the first time. I often wonder when he left the room was it because he was it because he was having second’s thoughts. But as I wrote this something feels familiar about hearing my mum’s voice and maybe he was just checking that the coast was clear.

I don’t ever remember my mother ever putting me to bed and tucking me in before or after this event. I know why I dont remember and thats because it never happened.