Thursday, January 31, 2008

Hey Dad - "We have a new name"

I know that until the age of 36 (since I went into recovery) I didnt feel that I had the right to like my dad, my real father. I felt like I had to feel the same way that she did. She hated him and she always let us know that, she let us believe for a lifetime that she hated him and she never once encouraged our relationship with him. When we first moved out of the family home we went to my grandfathers and a new school. Within months we became the W******* (step fathers surname) much to our dads disgust. We just thought it was a new name and I don’t even think that we were ever consulted and neither were we sat down and given a chat to say that we are no longer living with Dad and that we would only see him weekends, if we were it was just the once and we made to feel like we could not talk about it because Mum hated him so much and this new man “A*****” was the answer to all of our prayers. He paid her so much attention and she didn’t need her children. I don’t know why she just didn’t let dad have custody. She never wanted us. Not only to I feel that but and know and she confirmed it to me when I was 34. Every weekend that we went away either every other or every third we were parked in the hallway or sent outside on the pavement to await my dads arrival. She packed dirty clothes, clothes with holes in or shoes with holes in, or not enough clothes and sometimes non atall. This was her way of telling my dad that she hated him. She didn’t ever come face to face with him until I was 32 at my sons Party. I had never seem them in the same square foot in all those years. I hate the way that she hates my dad. I could punch her for that. I could punch her hard for that. What did my Dad ever do to her that was so bad, that we had to grow frightened to mention our Dads name in front of her. This was even last year, I only have to say “Oh Dads over and I am seeing him that weekend”. I know it totally screws with her and she cant stand the fact that she has lost control of that side of her life, but that is where my Dad has been a good parent. He never gave up on us, not like her.

How could I ever possible express my anger at being so badly abandoned to someone who totally denies her part in this. I went to court and A****** went to prison and publicly he has had to face some of what he did. He has faced the fact that what he did was an inprisonable offence and it is against the law ans in my opinion it is against humanity and it is cruelty to abuse a child. He abused me for over 10 years and I will never forgive him. It feels like the act of abuse I can get my head around in so much as the abuse made me feel sexual in the same way that I can feel sexual as an adult, however the effects of the abuse have dominated and continue presently to affect me deeply. Yet my mum, sitting pretty, pretending that she knew nothing of the abuse, never doing anything about the abuse, and know she thinks that she can become a counsellor. I find this really hard to comprehend that other people may one day sit in front of my mum with a story not that dissimilar to mine and that she will “feel empathy” for them. There has not been one emphatic bone in her body. There has not been one occaision in my entire life that she has ever approached me independently to say that she is sorry or how does she think about how I cope each day in my daily life. We have never got to that point because she has always said on so many occaisions pre prison of my step father “you just want to ruin my life” and post prison “I have had my therapy I have done horse shoe, and I have dealt with this”. If you have got stuff to deal with then deal with it and I am not going to take anymore. I am not going to listen to this anymore. Isnt it about time you got some counselling.
She has never been the understanding mum. She has never taken the time to find out how it feels for an abused child. Read books, ask questions, talk to me, use her intuition to look at her own life experience and impart some knowledge, to look at a deeper understanding of her own life to realize that she had a lot to do with the abuse. Certainly the length of time that it went on for and certainly for the way that it was dealt with. This is what has caused so much of my pain.

What I feel is really really f****** up now is that she is training in her third year i believe to be a counsellor - it makes you wonder. It makes me wonder how strong denail can be.

Shaming & Blaming - I didnt need parents to do that ,..I did/do it all myself

The guilt and shame of what he did to me permeates my world. The inner, deep feelings that It is my fault and I am in serious doubt as to whether that it will ever leave me.

How many times did I manipulate him to come to me and how many times did I “enjoy” the abuse. “That hurts so much to say that out loud. How could I enjoy something that was going to wreck my life, my relationships, my understanding of the world, destroy trust and every day struggle with who I am. The dysfunction that it has caused for me leaves me empty, numb, feelingless and loveless.

Everyday I feel like an abused child, the overwhelming sadness and literally the rivers I have cried. Always tears. It Never anger, although that has started to change, but still always tears. Fear of saying what I feel stops me from living. It has stopped me from being an adult. The abuse silenced me for 10 years whilst it went on and when I spoke no one helped me, and then the silence went on for another 25 years. No-one saw what I went through nobody heard me, other than I was just making up another childhood story. I wasn’t disbelieved but no body realised the effects that would take their toll, nobody cared. It was like I was just an invisible waste of space.

I went through my life with no support as the only thing that was important to me was that in the darkness of night he thought I was special and that dominated my daily life. I was going to be ok because he cared about me. I can see from the outside looking in how distorted this is, but this was my world. They didn’t care if I came first in a race, they didn’t care If I made it into the senior lacross team, they didn’t care if I was failing at school, they didn’t care that I was getting bullied, they didn’t care that my exam results were shit, they didn’t care for my further education, they didn’t care that the family had been distorted and ruined by the abuse. He cared if I stayed out to late. He cared if I had a boyfriend, he cared if I came home late from school, they cared if I wanted to stay at my friends houses all the time, they cared that I didn’t want to bring anyone home, they cared when I got into trouble with the police and they cared about themselves. They didn’t care about my relationship with my dad, my dad who was kind and always distressed that we didn’t care about him, they didn’t care about my relationship with my brother which was non existent, they didn’t care that I had another family, cousins, nans and granddads, they didn’t care about all the pornography that was left lying around the house, they didn’t care that they made me do unreasonable amounts of housework, they didn’t care that the housework became before my need to do homework or my needs to be out playing being a child, they didn’t care that I had to be an adult when I needed just to be a child, they didn’t care to see if I was ok after an argument, they didn’t care that I was just left alone in my bedroom to cry feeling like I was never good enough, they didn’t care to wipe my tears when I was in trouble. They cared if I hadn’t washed up properly, they cared if I didn’t get the dinner done on time, they cared that my free time was spent cleaning and tidying.

My needs were not met as a child. My mother was never kind to me, no cuddles, no stories, no games, no playing dolls. She never tucked me in at night and never made me feel secure. She never told me how to wash or take care of my own hygiene – that was all left for him to do. I had to have baths with him, he used to pull me back so I had to lie on his penis, and he used to wash me and watch me and tell me off if I didn’t do it “properly” .

I had no privacy growing up or any respect for my space. I was never allowed to lock bathroom doors or toilet doors, he would inevitably come in when I was using either. I still struggle to day to lock bathroom doors. I feel wrong and that I am invading others space by locking myself in. My bedroom door was never allowed to be shut it was always kept ajar, I guess for noise reasons at night and again just not allowed privacy, as if I had nothing to hide. I always felt so humiliated being seen naked by him especially and by others in the light of day, At night time it didn’t matter, because I became someone else. At school in the changing rooms even from being a really young age I repulsed at getting undressed in front of anyone, I still feel the same way today. I feel exceptional hateful of my shape body and ashamed of my nakedness. It feels really unnatural and even in long term relationships I keep clothes on until the last possible moment.

When we were on holiday in Italy I was tormented by him not to wear a bikini top as all the women were topless and anyway “you have nothing worth hiding” these kind of comments broke me inside and my mother never did anything to help or protect me.

I don’t remember starting my periods. I don’t know when it happened – there was certainly no celebration or chat that no this is the time when if I have sex …pregnancy chat or what ever. If fact I never received a chat about sex and education, yet at aged sixteen I had already had sex with my step father and was now at this stage having sex with my boyfriend. I in fact out of spite went to my mother and asked if I could go on the pill and the response was “what on earth for” she then told my step father and then I was banned from seeing him and he then seemed to be around at every possible moment, finishing work early and being around after school to make sure I was home and behaving.

It makes me wonder how I did feel as a child, because every day without fail we would sit down together as a family – generally with a meal that I organized (possibly pre cooked by mother) – and we would all sit and have a meal together – the normality of that yet with all the dysfunction underlying and all behave like the abuse wasn’t happening, and during the day and the days that it didn’t happen, it felt like it wasn’t happening, so just seeing that I can see already as a child I knew how to numb out and not feel and pretend and lie. It makes me see how little I valued my relationship or lack of relationship with my mother and I can see her face at the dinner table red and angry looking at me and then shouting turn your fork the right way, squash your peas on with something else, take your elbows off the table, sit up straight and more often than not it would be followed by a smack around the head. She used to hit me a lot, mainly around the face or head. I was always lying about something or other and always got found out. I was always trying somewhere to seek her attention, always phoning her at work and telling on my brother that he was being bad to me or that he had hurt me. She would return from work annoyed and inevitably I would receive a dose of her temper and physical strength. I remember so many times so many many times lying on my bed or being in my bedroom wondering why she hated me so much or I would be seething that I really hated her. Once I told her when I was 27 about an incident with a hammer that I wanted to hit her with unitl she died and from that she deduced it was no wonder that she wasn’t fond of me and that it ruined our lives because I was evil, nothing to do with the fact her filthy husband was abusing me sexually, nightly. This was the time when she told me that she never really loved me. It was no wonder he found it so easy to abuse me.

Only 4

I have spoken about this situation so many times and yet have never really looked at just how powerless I was. I was no more than 3ft high. I was a tiny innocent little girl who knew nothing of how these events would eventually end up nearly destroying me and never had any concept of the far reaching effects on myself, my family and those around me. As I lay there in the bed in one moment I was an innocent pure angelic trusting child and the next I had become a victim, a sexual toy, a liar, a fraud, disconnected and severely confused adult. My childhood lasted for a little under five years. When I compare that to O***** now aged 7 he still doesn’t understand the world around him, perhaps he wont ever as he will hopefully get to live in childhood well into his teens due to his Autism, Yet I would imagine that children of his age or his peers are just starting to understand the world around them. Yet my world was now filled with darkness, rules of going to bed with no knickers, late night visits from a disgusting, hairy giant that was stealing my life and I had no idea that I needed to tell him that it was very wrong what he had done and what he was doing.

That night – the first night. I was wearing a white cotton nightdress with a picture of a little girl on the front wearing a big bonnet and carrying a big basket filled with flowers. I was lying on one of the twin beds in my grandfather’s room. He must have been sat on the bed but I can’t see him in my mind, I have got my eyes open and I am looking at the ceiling, everything seems so vast and I can hear his voice telling what do to. “lift your nightie up Angie, I can remember the shame, I can remember feeling shy because I was lying with my nightie around my waist and he just sat there for what seemed an age. He asked me to move my legs apart. He just sat there smiling at me and stayed there for ages. He reached out and touched me and it sent me into my body feelings shooting all over the place, feelings that I had never know existed. Suddenly he was gone, my nightie was pulled down and the covers thrown over me. I could hear him out on the landing then down the stairs, 13 steps. I counted. Then I counted 13 again, he was back upstairs the door was opening and I shut my eyes quickly, I sensed fear and panic, I was so petrified, so scared, the covers were pulled back. He said again lift your nightie, I didn’t move – so he did it, Move you legs apart he said it twice – I didn’t move he did it. And then he touched my vagina that I didn’t even know existed! He just kept rubbing it and rubbing it. I felt like I was going to wet myself. It was starting to feel nice. It felt realy good. He kept saying over and over “Is that nice Angie, is that nice Angie.” I started to press back on his hands and I complied with everywhere he moved me. He lifted me up and put a pillow underneath my bottom, and then he put his head in between my legs and pushed his tongue out. I think some urine came out. He moved the pillow. He pulled my nightie down, pulled the sheets back over me. I heard rustling and thru the slits of my shut eyes his took off the pillow case and put the pillow somewhere. He left the room and left me there alone in the dark, feeling shell shocked but at the same time I felt so very special. He gave me some one to one, some time, some love, some touch, I felt like I had just come alive and this was to be our special thing. I wanted more.

That was the first time. I often wonder when he left the room was it because he was it because he was having second’s thoughts. But as I wrote this something feels familiar about hearing my mum’s voice and maybe he was just checking that the coast was clear.

I don’t ever remember my mother ever putting me to bed and tucking me in before or after this event. I know why I dont remember and thats because it never happened.

Cant Turn Back Time

On the outside
Don’t want to look in
Don’t need to look in
All that is there is numb

Walking down the street
Panic arises, as people stare
I thought I was invisible
They are laughing at me

Friends don’t exist
Love doesn’t exists
The abuse just lives on a on
Why was it me that has had everyone taken from her

Lost my self
My image driven mother
My fearful scared lonely brother
My dad to scared to hold me
My Step Father, "the Monster" sails happily into the sunset

Cant feel
Cant dream
Cant move on
Cant be happy
Cant ever turn back time

Only alive for 4 years
I sat on his knee and he promised
He was here to take care of me
Ive been dead ever since
He lied

From the NSPCC

NSPCC Ref 1-3VBL5
Dear Angela,
Thank you for your email to us here at the NSPCC; it has been forwarded through to us here at the Child Protection Helpline.
The comments you make are very pertinent and obviously we share your concerns about children knowing that they have rights and can not be touched for any reason.
Obviously what you refer to is of national importance and we see that you have copied your MP in to this email. We think that such a scheme needs governmental responses so you have sent your email to the correct person.
I have included the helpline for the National association of Children Abused in Childhood (NAPAC). This is a helpline specifically for people who have themselves been abused in childhood and they are very good.
They can be contacted on 0800 085 3330 or via email, mail@napac.org.uk
I hope you call or email NAPAC as they are very good at helping/signposting people on the issue of abuse.
I hope this email has helped.
Good luck and please if you need any other information or responses then please email us again.
Kindest regards
Tim Townsend.

From NAPAC

Angela
I agree with a great deal of what you say. The more people like you who are willing to speak out against abuse and to tell the world about the horrible reality of it all....the better.
I hope others listen too and you are right to write to MPs etc and give them the facts. Some will already know those facts. Some will have suffered abuse themselves and some, most worryingly, will be perpetrators themselves.
I'm not sure giving 11 year olds condoms is part of the solution, that could play into the hands of abusers but you are quite right. All our children need a firm, objective and non-scary education about the fact that no one has a right to hurt them or make them feel uncomfortable. And every child needs to know that they can tell and that when it comes to serious things there are NO SECRETS!
Well done you. Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on. We are right behind you.
Very best wishes
Pete

Peter Saunders FRSA Chief Executive
National Association for People Abused in Childhood

From Mr Bryant

Dear Angela
Many thanks indeed for your email. And thank you for having the courage to say what you do. You are quite right and I only wish others had the insight that you have.
Many thanks indeed and the best of luck.
Yours
Chris

Letter to many MPS and in Particular Chris Bryant

Dear Mr Bryant

I wish to make an additional comment to an article that I have heard that you are supporting or lobbying for. Please forgive me as I am not very well educated and no good a political etiquette, nor am i that good at writing stuff.
You have said that you want every child to receive a book on their 11th Birthday regarding sexual education and also I believe (night be a bit muddled here) providing condoms - in a bid to reduce teenage pregnancy. This is a major breakthrough and I hope that each child will individually receive 10 -15 minutes at least of counselling regarding this leaflet.

What I would like to add to this - as I want to be able to provide a leaflet too for every child to on their 1st day of school either age 5 or perhaps age 7 (5 maybe to young but possibly too late.) I want to help stamp out child sexual abuse. Every child must know that it is wrong to be touched inappropriately by their carers and they need to have the tools to know that they will not be murdered or silenced or taken away if they tell what’s going on. Each child will have a leaflet go back to their families stating that each child has access to an adult or telephone number and that every adult must know that there is a minimum sentence for abuse even if it is only 1 event - as it makes barely any difference if it happens once or 10,000 times or in my case over 3,000 times. Every year the child should see a school nurse or doctor to discuss if they are aware that child abuse is wrong and children will learn that they have to take better care of themselves at an earlier age and potential abusers face stronger sentences when cases are bought to their attention.

I believe that because 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys are abused it is causing a major dysfunction in society and these children grow up to be dysfunctional adults that don’t CANT care about their own children and these children grow up knot caring about their children. Many teenage pregnancies result from abuse or second generation abuse and more needs to be done to protect children from adults that have no clue how to be good parents that can safely inform their children about the dangers or teenage pregnancies or STD or worse life threatening illnesses transmitted thru sex.

As you may have gathered I am a survivor of 10 years sexual abuse and have had more than 5 abortions because I never as a young adult was shown that I have choices. My perpetrator did go to prison 15 years later for what he did for 18 months,. but I am still paying the price for those lost children and my lost childhood and feel the pain of all other children that suffer at the hands of abuse. The more children that continued to be abused is - one day- another generation of dysfunctional adults. Child abuse in turn is a huge drain on resources. I have not been able to work for 7 years since remembering my abuse. That’s 7 7ears of being on benefits and “living off the state” it takes me one month to save the money now for one session a month of therapy. My recovery is slow. I have no family and am a single parent of a disable child. I am seen once every six weeks by the mental health unit and fortunately for me I am in the system and have access to some help. There are hundreds of thousands out there like me and this message needs to be bought to the children when they are young enough to escape. If someone had of told me when I was 5 that no one was allowed to touch me and have sex with me then just maybe I would of told if I knew then that I would be kept safe.

The leaflet should contain information to the child stating that under no circumstances will they come to any harm if they tell about abuse. They must know it is wrong for adults to use them for sexual reasons and it is not normal to be abused. it is wrong!!! They will be saved from a life of misery and mental health issues and have the chance to grow up and be well adjusted children free of abuse and maybe even those even those who do face abuse at some point if the message is constantly being given out perhaps the right support can intervene and their abusers facing long sentences and then grow up to be sensible teenagers and one day parents with children that they can teach good values to.

I will be sending this email to as many children’s organisations and mps as I can to see if on that “leaflet” for children about sexual education - that at least there is a mention – but hopefully an awful lot more about stamping out abuse.

Stinking Denial

A few weeks ago I was a home with ****** we were having a bottle wine, listening to music, it was just a few days after New Year. My son and his son had gone to be a few hours earlier and I heard a noise "did you hear that?" He said he didnt and yet I knew I had heard something.. just the kids still awake I thought...better go and check on them I thought. So off I trotted down stairs across the hall and back up the stairs... to find the boys messing around with no many clothes on... doing boys stuff I figured although it was hard for me to deal with situations like that but I did ok - I checked in with them both and they were just "messing" and neither one was co-ercing the other to do things.



When I got back upstairs (the otherside of the house) I sat down, and suddenly my mind turned into thousands of filing cabinets each file flying out of the draw each paiece of paper flying round the room, my head was in a whirl and I started spinning and tears streaming down my face. it was too much, I had to hold it together with every ounze that I could muster and find of togetherness. ......SHE MUST OF KNOWN. She(my mother) to this day has denied knowing about the abuse and I have until two years ago just gone with this "truth" that she offered - in fact not sure that I even quetioned her about it - maybe once or twice - and the response I got a few times were "I did suspect on a few occaisions" which did sort of make me think - well why didnt you do anything - and then just came back to the thoughts - poor mum she had to live with him too - the awful monster, she was propably scared and very unsure, after all its not easy to confront someone and tell them you "suspect" that they are sexually abusing your duaghter! So I would just let it go, see the tears in her eyes, thinking/hoping that they might be tears for me, because I have had such a god awful life!!!! Yet sat there on the sofa the other night with all those filing cabinets spewing every time he every abused me - the thousands of time that he abused me, over 10 F*******g years did she NOT THINK to once go and check on me - did she never hear one noise, not one floor board creak, not footstep on the stairs, the whiskey cabinet opening and closing, NOT ONE SINGLE noise all that time, all those 10 years living in a houses that were cheaply made of plaster board that you can hear someone turning in their bed from the next room. Every event was flying through my head, all the times I would fall out of bed, all the times I would pretend sleep walk, all the times that I would have pretend nightmares.



I wrote a poem months ago about how she did not hear me silently screaming, but for god dam certain she must have hearde the noises, I bloody did. And did she not once ever think to go and check on her own daughter. i heard one noise in my house with thick wall s and two staircases away and I went to check on my child to see if everything was ok and that he was safe.



Of course she must of heard..... It was life the proof that I needed. I stopped talking to her about a year ago becasue I put myself into thereapy and becasue I had always protected my mum and never saw any of this denail - I was a part of it and she kept me in it and she knew so well how to teach me denail. She was an expert. This year i have battled with the loss of my mum in my life becasue she always maintained she never knew. Now with confidence _ I can say "I do not trust what you say"



DO YOU KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN YOUR HOUSE? - I DO

Mother

You Chose Your way

It was your Choice
To give birth
And give me Life

It was your choice
To run & hide
Not to nurture nor to guide

It was your choice
You made your bed
You left me so unloved

Into the hands of a monster
He mauled my flesh
My face full of mess

Into the hands of a monster
You left me alone
Did you hear him moan?

Into the hands of a monster
Who stole my soul?
Did you hear me howl?

In the darkness of night
Eyes shut, legs spread
Don’t breathe pretend to be dead

In the darkness of night
You leave me to him
Dying I give in!

In the darkness of night
My world full of fear
A child is crying – CAN’T YOU HEAR

It was your choice
You pathetic, useless witch
You’re not a mother you are a Bitch

It was your choice
You let him stay
My punishment to pay

It was your choice
YOU HAD A CHOICE
Now I have a voice

It’s my time
You always lie
Whinge and cry

It’s my time
I don’t want to see you
I don’t love you

It’s my time
Mother & daughter
I don’t think so!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

That was 5 months ago

He has not written to me - nor me to him since.

Death of the Fantasy - My perfect family.

Thank you for all your correspondance. I have decided that there is no further need for me to contact you. I hope that if i did have any further questions you would still respond although I do not expect it.
I have a much clearer picture of how I need to progress in my recovery and I do not think that you are able to provide me with that.
I was genuinely hoping from our contact that you would be kind and gentle with me - however I have spent my entire life living a fantasy of a perfect family and kind and gentle you were not. I thank you for your bluntness and time that took to consider my request and many things you said were true and have helped, and believe it or not I have had a looked and evaluated how I can be and will make even more effort now to challenge the behaviour that causes me to be stuck.
I did want to able to meet with you, and to be in your company having forgiven myself and just be able to talk to you adult to adult and just to be able to discuss and literally chat about what happened what happened with no blame and to find some answers that way - and hopefully understand more why I behave the way that I do. It would of helped, but I know that you do not agree so it wont happen. Its a shame because that could of been a message to so many people that abuse may be damaging but there are ways you can deal with it and in a healthy way and i feel that I would of been able to give back some way to world about a bad experience that turned to a good experience and that there is hope where there has been such dysfunction and despair.
If you ever feel you want to contact me or talk to me in the future I have no objection. I will remain on FR until my membership expires. I have only just renewed a membership that lasts for a year and then I will sign out permanently.
I wish you well.
Regards
Angela

Some answers, some closure, and more abuse!!

Angela,
Your last mail at last starts to uncover the truth, when challenged you immediately revert to your comfort position, victim, survivor call it what you will and the abuser as the never changing unrepentant bad man.
You are not, it appears, receiving professional help at all.
As long as you shy away from such help you will never recover and always be a survivor.
I am sorry if you feel I am being patronizing and harsh but every time you are confronted the defence of ‘victim’ is thrown up, you immediately try to send me off on a guilt trip by repeating yet again how bad it is and has been for you, as if I did not hear or understand the last dozen times and yet when seeking real, professional help is suggested you refuse. Is this I wonder why you have such little contact with your mum, bluntly put you will not do anything that may remove your ‘victim/survivor’ shield.
Despite what you have said I have not cut off this contact and I have answered your questions
I will not be sending the police copies of this, the last or future messages, I see them as private and confidential. I have asked that they leave the situation alone as we seem to have reached some understanding regarding personal privacy, I have not given them your address and work details ( we are all fairly easy to find)and they seem unable to trace you anyway.

Did my mother know about the abuse in your opinion. Mathew knew because he saw you several times.I think that your mother suspected but did not actually know or not want to know, Mathew’s statement before the trial said that he saw nothing so I am a little confused. He appears to have changed what he said or remembers.
She said she suspected on several occasions. Did she discuss this with you or ask if there was "something going on.No, never


if she did not know did she ever discuss with you why I cried so much, why I lied so much and why I was the way I was.We did talk about on occasions, especially the marked difference in the way she treated you and Mathew, she always put it down to not being able to bond with you when you were a baby.

Did you ever talk to her about how much she hit me. Did it scare you that she may knew and that I might talk if she behaved in such a way.See above and yes it did worry me


My mother told me that you were violent towards her and held knives to her throat and abused her sexually too. Is this true or is she lying.She is lying

Do you think that she hated me pre or post abuse.No, I do not, she was just never very paternal.

Do you think that she was a good mother. If you do can you state how or as you see it on reflection.She had her own problems, a very nasty divorce and death of her mother all went against her, she tried her best

Did you pref sex with me or my mother.I have never asked the question of myself so I cannot answer, I think it a strange question anyway

Did she blame me or think it was my fault No never, but I think she blamed you for telling her.

Do you think I asked for it (I used to be ill so you could come to my room - knowing what you would do) Did you know this.I was old enough to know better, you were not, you were not to blame

Why did my mother never take care of me when I was ill. Did you have control over my mother. She couldn't’t be bothered, no I did not have control over her

Did you ever consider stopping of your own accord.Yes, after every time

Were you an alcoholic or did you drink prior to coming to my room No I was not an alcoholic and drink was not a factor

How did you feel when you were abusing me This took place many years ago and I truly cannot remember my feelings at the time.

Did you enjoy it Not really, it’s about control

Did you think it was wrong every time/ some of the time/normal/bad I KNEW it was wrong every time

Did you think it was ok How many ways do you want to ask the same question?

Did you ever think that it would have been best for you to leave. did you consider leaving or was it just back then not very wrong what you did. Yes I did, and yes I did and please read above

On a scale of 1 - 10 1 being not wrong and 10 very wrong back then where would you have rated what you did - what about my mother - how would she of rated it in your opinion. I am the very last person to ‘rate’ what I did or your mothers performance, again I think it a strange question

There was always so much pornography in the house videos, magazines etc. On reflection would you say that you were you a sex addict and that is how the abuse stemmed to me.There was adult material in the house, kept out of the way and I do not think it was a factor. No I do not think I was a sex addict

What were your issues with sex and what led you to abuse me.I cannot remember having ‘issues’ with sex that led to abuse, up until I started to abuse you my sex life was normal

Was it premeditated - was it something that you thought of as a child. It was only a very short time when you met my mother to the first time you abused me in my grandfathers bedroom.I suggest that you read my previous message regarding your statement VERY carefully, I did not abuse you at all whilst you lived in slough at your grandfather’s house, nothing happened until we moved to Newbury

Was I sexual as a child.Yes

Was I needy and desperate for love or attention. Yes

Did I flirt with you.Yes

What was it about me.You were there and receptive

Did you you seek out my mother on purpose knowing that she had a child so you could abuse.Absolutely not, I met your mother and was attracted to her alone, it never entered my head that I should marry her to abuse her children, just the opposite, the fact that she had children gave me enormous pause for thought

How did you feel before and after you abuse me - give me an example of went on for you mentally and physically.Please see my previous answers, I really do not remember

How often did you discuss the abuse with my mother Rarely, it would lead to very acrimonious one sided (your mothers) ‘discussions’.

Did you both discuss ever think or consider that I may need help. How seriously did you think about the effects it would have on me.Your mother and I both knew you needed help and we did discuss it, when she suggested therapy (and if I remember correctly she organized a therapist at one time) to you you refused, you would rather go off on any crackpot or fringe group you could find rather than talk to a professional who could help you. The answer for you always seemed to be in the next relationship, the next idea, faith healers, magic crystals, herbal remedies, alcohol and drugs, anything but professional help. Yes, we were both well aware of the damage it caused, we could see it but we couldn’t help, you would not let us, I think that you did some of it to punish us which it did.

Are you angry with me.Yes, but not for the past, please see my comments further on.

What books have you read about abuse then I will read what you have read.I stopped reading books on the subject many years ago, as I have said before I have had to move on

What did you learn from them.I really was more concerned about things from the abusers side, what happened with you took me completely by surprise. I did not know what to do, how to stop the abuse or how to deal with the terrible guilt during and after it all ended (this may be where you remember me drinking heavily). I was determined never to put another child through what you had to endure, that means understanding what went on in my head, what thought process gave me continual justification for what I did and how to stop the cycle.

Have you ever had therapy Yes

do you consider that my father may have been cold because you and my mother were running a dysfunctional house and harbouring a secret that he at the time had no knowledge of No, I just think that he is a cold person.

When I left home at 16 were you both relieved.Yes and also ashamed that we had failed you

Is there anything that you think I should apologize to you for? From the past, no

What was life like - My mother said it was like living on egg shells and that both thought I had control of your lives - why was this?I think that we both thought that you had the ability to wreck our lives at any time you wished, that this threat was real or perceived does not matter, you had power over us and our future, it was only after our marriage finally fell apart and that I was no longer a viable breadwinner that your mother decided to jump ship

Was your father an abuser. He was a sexual man always touching your mothers inside leg and used to rub me in an inappropriate manor No, he was not and I will not discuss my family.

My mother told me that ***** your sister abused you - is this true. (This was how I was forced to forgive you by my mother because it happened to you)I once confided in your mother that an incident had taken place between myself and my sister when we were children, it was a minor incident that I think your mother grasped and changed into some tale of ‘systematic abuse’ in my family. I had no idea that she used this tale to force you to forgive me.

My therapist is aware we are in touch and she supports me and like all the books say that if you have the courage it is the most healing thing that you can do to confront your abuser and pain. The courage to Heal is the book that I use. This book offers a process and has been read by hundreds of thousands of victims and is rated the no 1 book for healing.It has also been rubbished by many highly experienced professionals, which the authors of the book are not. It appears from your last message that you are not seeing a professional therapist in fact you are not seeing a therapist at all. Please read the review below
http://www.division42.org/MembersArea/Nws_Views/articles/Reviews_Books/courage_to_heal.html

Now that I have contacted you and you said you will continue to answer my questions will you ever be able to put yourself in my shoes and wonder how my life has been affected.How can anyone ‘put themselves in some one else’s shoes’ it is a misnomer, I have no idea what it feels like to be abused. If it makes any difference to you I do know what real fear means, I do know what real despair means, I do know what a complete lack of self respect and a complete lack of control in your life means. I have experienced depths of despair and self loathing that I did not know existed.

How will I know if you are sorry for what you did to me.I have said I am sorry many times before, unlike you I do not now recant what I have said. When I said sorry I truly meant it, I have confessed my guilt and suffered the consequences, which have been severe, what more do you want from me to demonstrate that I am sorry and accept the harm that I have caused.

Please note: You are accusing me of lying in my statement. There were so many times that you abused me. Are you aware that when a victim is abused excessively over a prolonged period of time that they can become confused over events and maybe I have and I agree there maybe some confusion. It matters not that I may have been in error about recounting events, yet it is how I saw it from being abused excessively. You also haven't mentioned on your last mail in the points 1 2 and 3 that point 4 would be all the hundreds of events that I didn't included - there were so many the police only had 10 hours to dedicate to taking my statement as they felt my case was sensitive that they did not want to keep making me recount and I felt that it only takes one event of this kind of abuse to ruin a child's life. I do not accuse you of lying, as you admit your memory of events is confused and hazy, please see my previous comments regarding your statement

Your mails toward me remain extremely harsh, patronizing and very angry. I can only assume you are angry with me and still hold me responsible for "ruining and destroying your life.I am not angry with you regarding ruining my life before, I deserved that. What I am becoming concerned about is that you have forced this contact on me and then complain that it is not as you want it.

Please continue this contact harsh or not I need some answers. I do not need truth on my terms. I have only had myself to make things up as I go along. I have had no nurturing or role models. Ive been abused and mentally affected. Please try to understand that I am trying to get over it and get healthy but for me there is so much that is suppressed that needs to come out and that is why I am asking for your help.
I really do not know if I am helping you at all, I am not convinced that you have a therapist at all and I am still suspicious of your motives. When I asked the police in their experience how many survivors contact their abusers they told me none, this is the first time they have known it, it does not therefore seem to me that this is normal behavior

I appreciate that you have contacted me back and hope that you continue to do so.As I have said I will maintain this contact, but it cannot be open ended

You said you would answer my questions. You did not in the last mail as you have decided it is not necessary for me to know. The point in my contacting you is these are the things I want to know. I am not interested in your opinion of how life works for you and your opinion of how I should deal with this. You are right this is about me and what works for me. Otherwise you are just in control. Regardless of how you answer I take it to therapy and the way that you respond only helps me to see how things - you and my mother have shaped and influenced me and how my warped mind over time. Funny really. I am starting to see a bit clearer now.
What I will not do is answer all of your questions regardless of what you ask
.

I took the bait really didnt I - What did I expect - Compassion

What do you want me to do??? you wont meet you wont talk on the phone and now you wont answer my questions like you said that you would.
I need some answers that only you can give me. It is irrelevant whether you think my questions will be relevant to my recovery, only I can know what my own needs are. Perhaps it is your way of not wanting to help. If you wont answer my questions - then so be it. i thought that you might help me to find some peace, but no I have to go with the rest of my life trying not being eaten up by the answered questions that have had so much power over me all my life.
Me and two other people set a group for Survivors of incest their web address is
www.*****.org. We now have about 9 people that come along because they are committed to their recovery. We set this up last September and it has been running for over a year now. What am I supposed to do to. What proof do you want. In fact I have all the proof that you do not want to help you have just been baiting me so you can continue to vent at me because I ruined your life for 7 years. My Therapist is ******* ***** and her telephone number is XXXXX

I can only say that this is typical of someone that abuses, that they go around causing pain and are willing to do nothing other than take care of themselves. Why did I contact you - Ive told you over and over. I want some answers and some clarity. After reading over and over again your letters given to me 9 years ago from my mother I thought you could be different. It was not out of the blue that I contacted you, I just never had the courage to face it before as the pain of what you did to me was so immense, but of course you cant see that can you. I am just an angry, conniving, sad pathetic victim that doesn't want to get over her past.
You are so wrong. One day when you pass on like we all do - remember me, remember you had a chance to put things right with me personally and you never took that opportunity. You may think that you have "paid" and that I just want you to keep paying, but you are wrong, I don't see it the way you do. I am not asking you to pay more, just to help - that's all. If you choose to be paranoid and to see my piratical begging as not genuine - then so be it.
There is nothing more I can do.
Remember the reasons why YOU became a victim in the first place. Had you not abused me then none of the destruction that you have felt would have ever existed and we would not be having this conversation, we would be planning to come and see you for Christmas , bringing along our grandchildren to share happy stories and open lots of lovely presents.

One day in the future I intend to write a book about recovery from abuse, I will post you copy when it is done.

"I am a Victim" - No you were the Perpetrator

I have looked at your list of questions, I have to say that I cannot quite see how some of the answers would help in your recovery, please convince me.
I still do not trust you, what you say or what you claim the situation to be in your life, for all I know you your mother ,father and brother are orchestrating all this, I have a very uneasy feeling that I am being ‘set up’ and I have learnt to trust my feelings.
I have been a victim of both you and your mothers (and possibly your fathers) conniving before and I have no intention of walking into some sort of trap again.
I still find it worrying that you have decided to contact me, initially in an aggressive fashion, after so many years, you found my details on FR, but did you deliberately search them out with a view to contacting me? Or did you just stumble across them in idle curiosity? I cannot escape the feeling that because you have discovered that my life is not in ruins as it was 9 odd years ago that you or your family feel I am due further retribution, would you have contacted me if you had discovered that I was destitute and living in a cardboard box ?.
I will not answer any further questions until I have assurances and I feel comfortable with the situation. As you are discussing/showing what I write with your therapist I also require assurances from him/her. The assurances must take the form that any information I give you via our contact will only be used for your personal consumption and within your therapy sessions and not passed on or conveyed in any other manner to any agency, person or organisation or used against me or any other person I discuss with you (this includes your mother).

I need some answers - please answer the questions

Did my mother know about the abuse in your opinion. Mathew knew because he saw you several times.
She said she suspected on several occasions. Did she discuss this with you or ask if there was "something going on.
if she did not know did she ever discuss with you why I cried so much, why I lied so much and why I was the way I was.
Did you ever talk to her about how much she hit me. Did it scare you that she may knew and that I might talk if she behaved in such a way.
My mother told me that you were violent towards her and held knives to her throat and abused her sexually too. Is this true or is she lying.
Do you think that she hated me pre or post abuse.
Do you think that she was a good mother. If you do can you state how or as you see it on reflection.
Did you pref sex with me or my mother.
Did she blame me or think it was my fault
Do you think I asked for it (I used to be ill so you could come to my room - knowing what you would do) Did you know this.
Why did my mother never take care of me when I was ill. Did you have control over my mother.
Did you ever consider stopping of your own accord.
Were you an alcoholic or did you drink prior to coming to my room
How did you feel when you were abusing me
Did you enjoy it
Did you think it was wrong every time/ some of the time/normal/bad
Did you think it was OK
Did you ever think that it would have been best for you to leave. did you consider leaving or was it just back then not very wrong what you did.
On a scale of 1 - 10 1 being not wrong and 10 very wrong back then where would you have rated what you did - what about my mother - how would she of rated it in your opinion.
There was always so much pornography in the house videos, magazines etc. On reflection would you say that you were you a sex addict and that is how the abuse stemmed to me.
What were your issues with sex and what led you to abuse me.
Was it premeditated - was it something that you thought of as a child. It was only a very short time when you met my mother to the first time you abused me in my grandfathers bedroom.
Was I sexual as a child.
Was I needy and desperate for love or attention.
Did I flirt with you.
What was it about me.
Did you you seek out my mother on purpose knowing that she had a child so you could abuse.
How did you feel before and after you abuse me - give me an example of went on for you mentally and physically.
How often did you discuss the abuse with my mother
Did you both discuss ever think or consider that I may need help. How seriously did you think about the effects it would have on me.
Are you angry with me.
What books have you read about abuse then I will read what you have read.
What did you learn from them.
Have you ever had therapy
do you consider that my father may have been cold because you and my mother were running a dysfunctional house and harbouring a secret that he at the time had no knowledge of
When I left home were you both relieved.
Is there anything that you think I should apologize to you for?
What was life like - My mother said it was like living on egg shells and that both thought I had control of your lives - why was this?
Was your father an abuser. He was a sexual man always touching your mothers inside leg and used to rub me in an inappropriate manor
My mother told me that Penny abused you - is this true. (This was how I was forced to forgive you by my mother because it happened to you)
My therapist is aware we are in touch and she supports me and like all the books say that if you have the courage it is the most healing thing that you can do to confront your abuser and pain. The courage to Heal is the book that I use. This book offers a process and has been read by hundreds of thousands of victims and is rated the no 1 book for healing.
Now that I have contacted you and you said you will continue to answer my questions will you ever be able to put yourself in my shoes and wonder how my life has been affected.
How will I know if you are sorry for what you did to me.
Please note: You are accusing me of lying in my statement. There were so many times that you abused me. Are you aware that when a victim is abused excessively over a prolonged period of time that they can become confused over events and maybe I have and I agree there maybe some confusion. It matters not that I may have been in error about recounting events, yet it is how I saw it from being abused excessively. You also haven't mentioned on your last mail in the points 1 2 and 3 that point 4 would be all the hundreds of events that I didn't included - there were so many the police only had 10 hours to dedicate to taking my statement as they felt my case was sensitive that they did not want to keep making me recount and I felt that it only takes one event of this kind of abuse to ruin a child's life.
Your mails toward me remain extremely harsh, patronizing and very angry. I can only assume you are angry with me and still hold me responsible for "ruining and destroying your life.
Please continue this contact harsh or not I need some answers. I do not need truth on my terms. I have only had myself to make things up as I go along. I have had no nurturing or role models. Ive been abused and mentally affected. Please try to understand that I am trying to get over it and get healthy but for me there is so much that is suppressed that needs to come out and that is why I am asking for your help.
I appreciate that you have contacted me back and hope that you continue to do so.
If you could reply to each answer individually I would appreciate it very much.

You said you would answer my questions. You did not in the last mail as you have decided it is not necessary for me to know. The point in my contacting you is these are the things I want to know. I am not interested in your opinion of how life works for you and your opinion of how I should deal with this. You are right this is about me and what works for me. Otherwise you are just in control. Regardless of how you answer I take it to therapy and the way that you respond only helps me to see how things - you and my mother have shaped and influenced me and how my warped mind over time. Funny really. I am starting to see a bit clearer now.
I am awaiting your answers

Only a fool would abuse a child and expect to get away with it

Angela,
Again I have taken time to read and think about your reply, as you say the written word cannot always convey the full meaning of what we say, it does however give time for reflection and thought which may at times stop ill considered remarks .
I think that the issue of personal meetings should be put aside, we should agree to disagree for now.
In response to your questions and comments;
I do not need to read about the effects of child abuse, I have already done so at some length.
I see no need to discuss my childhood, this is about you and your childhood experiences not mine. I do not subscribe to the notion that we are simply a product of our childhood and all that goes wrong in adult life can be attributed to it, it does play a large part in molding you as a person but when we are adults we have to make adult decisions, if we make the wrong choices why should our parents be held too blame, if that were the case it undermines the whole concept of adult accountability. How many generations can you take this back, is it a defense to say that because my great grandfather abused my grandmother and my grandmother abused my father and my father abused me (they did not by the way!) that it somehow relieves me of my adult responsibilities or gives me some sort of excuse and that it was all my great grandfathers fault anyway.
Some of your comments seem to have missed a couple of things, the passage of time and the legal restrictions on me. How could I have contacted you to ask how you were, I am expressly forbidden to do so, whilst in prison ALL mail is vetted (both in and out)and victim contact is not permitted, on parole it is an offence which can get you put back behind bars and it is distinctly frowned upon by the police in ‘normal’ life, for you to contact me is OK (so long as I agree and you are not harassing me), but if I had contacted you and you had complained I would have arrested very quickly. That is why as soon as you contacted me I informed the police.
It has been least 10 years since I have had a conversation with you on a ‘normal ‘basis, did you think that you could just reappear and make the demands and threaten as you did . A lot has happened in 10 years, I had hoped that you had moved on as I have, I have never wished you ill, out of all the people involved in this horrible passage of events YOU are the only true innocent person.
Regarding the events at court on trial day, I had instructed my barrister some weeks previously that I was going to plead guilty, I have no idea what happened on the day and how the procedures work at crown court, it was never my intention to put you through any more stress and pain than I already had.
The reason that I waited to plead guilty is twofold. The first reason is simply, I did not want to go to prison, only a fool would wants that.
Secondly and the biggest issue was the statement you made to the police, I read it very , very carefully and it was clear to me that your accusations fell into 3 distinct categories:1 Events that I recognized and was guilty of.2 Events that were untrue 3 Events and places that I did not recognize and was not guilty of but your account seemed to be truthful
From this I could only draw one conclusion and I will leave it to you to work that out, I cannot put words into your mouth.
You do not want any more mails like the last one?, it seems that you want the truth from me but on your terms, I did not instigate this contact, you did, this goes back to adult accountability, you wanted this now you have it, you seem to want to control things if it does not fit your idea of what it should be.I am what I am, either accept it or cut off contact I am far too old to change.
As long as you do not threaten my privacy I will maintain this contact, I will answer your questions as best I can. I hope that my answers help, but please do not expect pity or piety from me, all I can give is honesty.
You mention that you are in therapy, does your therapist know that you have contacted me? is this a course of action that he/she has agreed or suggested?.
You only have one mother and father, yes I was your stepfather but it is a basic trust we carry as adults that we cherish, protect, guide and nurture our children no matter in what capacity we are in, I failed to do this for you, I betrayed your trust and love and lost any rights to be called a father of any description.
I have no influence over your mother or father and I have no interest in them, if they have failed to live up to their responsibilities as parents then shame on them, your father always did seem a particularly cold person and your mum always has had the knack of making decisions in her own best interests. I am afraid however that we are stuck with our parents, we do not choose them and I cannot replace them for you, at some time you will have to come to terms with them.
******

Just to clarify a few points and ask a few questions

To add to your comments I have put some answers in ....(brackets) all of what I say is with no malice it is calm & honest. Please read it in that context. reading the written word is so open to misinterpretation
I have again considered at some length your last message, I will not get involved in any sort of mediation no matter what agency you suggest and there will not be any personal meetings of any kind..... (I meant someone simply to be present so that you felt comfortable that I was genuine)
I WILL answer your questions via FR and possibly talk to you by telephone at a later date when and if I feel confident that it is actually only answers that you want..... (That is what I want - but eventually I would want to meet)
How can I possibly trust you when you veer between threats and moral blackmail,....(I have been abused and I am not perfect and I am prone to rage and depression and irrational behaviour) how can I rely on what you say when you have threatened me in the past....(I asked you if you would meet me a long time ago now and you removed yourself from FR - I got angry and I apologize for that but perhaps it is also your responses that invoke the anger in me as you are harsh, angry and particularly uncompassionate my mother is the same "I'm over it so go away"
I think that there are some things that I need to say before you start asking questions, it may give you an insight into my feelings on the matter.
Firstly, I do not seek or need your forgiveness,....
(then that is fortunate for you - so surely there can be no problem in helping me - just you said that was what you wanted when you were in prison) -you may have forgotten or chosen to forget that you have in fact forgiven me twice before.......(I remember - i thought that If I said I forgive you that the pain would go away. I was pressured by you both to do that....I didn't know what I was saying I was so screwed up whereas now i am just screwed up with two years of therapy behind me and "in recovery" I know that I do not need to forgive you only myself and this is why I am asking for help) , you cannot keep on using it as a bargaining chip .....(I can never bargain back my childhood you took from me me, I am not using it, "it" has consumed me and I have not known any other way" you could try to understand that I am still a little girl who's daddy and mummy betrayed her) or method of getting what you want..........(you can help me to move on if you behave in a way that offers more compassion I want to move on now Today and the sooner we can meet the better I am committed to my recovery and I have not entered into it before now as the damaged that was caused suppressed so much of what I felt..by going to therapy I have now begun to realize the massive impact it has had on my behaviour and like I said before there are many things that i have done that have caused pain to others because I was so screwed up.) I have had to move on from events in the past, again you may have chosen to ignore......(I haven't even been able to take care of myself let alone consider the lives of others and I am not proud of myself) the absolute wreck that my life was 7 years ago,... I fully accept that I probably deserved all that happened but the fact still remains that I have had to painfully piece my life back together, I have paid the full price for what I did both morally and legally. I do not owe you anything..... (no you don't owe me a thing - no one owes anything thing to anyone in life....(so why do I feel like you don't care what has happened to me, neither does my mother you were my parents , you were my father for 20 years. If you morally have paid what is it that you did to make amends to me personally that I missed) (In fact I know that you both don't care if I am OK because you both have never asked me how I am or if I am OK!!! and I doubt that you both ever will because you wouldn't want to hear me.
Secondly, you still talk about guilt and blame on your part, I have never ever said that any of the past was your fault in any way whatsoever, in fact just the opposite, I have always accepted full responsibility for what happened, YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME ,IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.....(growing up in such dysfunction and being a sexual abuse survivor it is just normal unfortunately to feel these things) I admitted everything to your Mother when challenged and I pleaded guilty at court,....(they told me that you were going to plead not guilty right up until 5 minutes of walking into the courtroom and that I should drop the charges and that I was making it all up) I have never said to you that I thought you were in any way to blame. (it feels like it always has though, that I am at the root of it all and yet no one will willing talk to me - its like I did something wrong and that feeling wont go until i can be assured more, cared about more and listened to. My therapist does a pretty good job - but she was not there living with us and I was young and have difficulty recalling it all)
Thirdly, this is my observation and I would stress that it is only my feelings about things. I wonder if you actually really want to stop the negative feelings that you say you have, you seem to use it as justification for some of the questionable things you do, how much do you actually want to recover, or is it that you are just more comfortable being the eternal victim. ...(maybe you are right and if you are that would mean that I stalk you for the rest of my life - Do you really believe that this is what I would do - I am a victim of the abuse and neglect of both you and my mother and if you doubt my willingness to want to move on then you are very very much mistaken I have things that I want to do with my life and break free from the debilitating and paralysing feelings that have choked me for many years. I will one day be OK I believe, and it doesn't matter to me if no-one else does. I have had 6 failed relationships, 4 suicide attempts and misery in my life. Inside I have hated myself despised myself and wanted nothing more than to not exist, only now I recognize this part of myself, this is the child that was abused, who is hurt and angry, numb isolated and stuck, and over the past year I am able to start separating that from my victimish behaviour that has certainly ruled my life for so long. I am able to say to myself now or to that "inner child" that it is OK and you are just hurting and what can I do to make you feel better. I do things like hug myself, make a cup of tea, hug a cuddly toy or draw a picture or take it to therapy and do something to stop feeling so dam sorry for myself by acknowledging that that side of me does exist.
Fourthly, if what you say about the rest of your family is indeed true then I am appalled by their actions, the very people you should be able to rely on to support and help you have let you down badly, I have always had reservations about your Mother,Father and brothers true motives for wanting to see me in court and it appears that I may have been correct. Your Father wanted revenge, your Mother rid of me (as I had ceased to be financially useful) and your brother to placate his hysterical wife. None of them it would appear wanted it for you. (this much I know - so as you can see No one wants to listen to me. and no-one wants to go there because they would rather just "get on with their lives"
I am sorry if my tone seems harsh but I think it better that you have a clear picture on how I feel about things, I am not racked by guilt, sat at home wringing my hands waiting for absolution. The reason? NECESSITY, because there was no other alternative, basically sink or swim. I have had to get on with life and with a will to succeed and support from family I have regained some self respect and stability and above all the love and companionship of a very special person..... (well this is what I always wanted - yet I know that I only have myself as my family has splintered into a million pieces.
You are not the only person who has had problems in their life and has had to get over traumatic events, you have much to look forward too and work for, do not let life slip by. .....(This much I know too and the voices in my head let me know this regularly - its hard though because when you are numb from the inside out you don't even notice that life has past you by. I am trying Andrew..I am trying really hard.)
Please start posting your questions on FR as soon as you wish.

My first question1. Will you go and buy some books to read so that perhaps you have a better understanding of my side of the events as then perhaps we will be able to do this with a little bit more compassion. I am extremely fragile and I need to know that you aren't going to keep on going on about me being a "victim" or using "this situation" or "bargaining chip" language.

2. I don't want anymore mails like the ones above because they are blaming and shaming and I have done and had enough of that in my life and I am sure that you have had enough of that too. Is this OK. I will ask questions - maybe you will have some for me... I wish to just listen to the answers and perhaps ask more questions based on you answers. (if you read the books that I will suggest there will be no need for me to want to explain how things make me feel.) The mail above just cause reactionary feelings and invoke painful triggers and they are unnecessary to what I want to achieve from this.

3. I want to hear in depth about your childhood starting back at your earliest memories. I would like you to know about your family, who they were and the impact that they had on your life. What kind of parents were they. Good stuff as well as bad. The more you write the more it will help me to have a clearer understanding of how things evolved. Please don't filter anything there is no need because unless it is the truth it just wont be heard.
I will send you the details of the police contact in the next few days.....(That is fine - I will call them.)

"I """"probably""""" deserved all that happened" - mmm!

I have again considered at some length your last message, I will not get involved in any sort of mediation no matter what agency you suggest and there will not be any personal meetings of any kind.
I WILL answer your questions via FR and possibly talk to you by telephone at a later date when and if I feel confident that it is actually only answers that you want.How can I possibly trust you when you veer between threats and moral blackmail, how can I rely on what you say when you have threatened both myself and my brother.
I think that there are some things that I need to say before you start asking questions, it may give you an insight into my feelings on the matter.
Firstly, I do not seek or need your forgiveness, you may have forgotten or chosen to forget that you have in fact forgiven me twice before, you cannot keep on using it as a bargaining chip or method of getting what you want. I have had to move on from events in the past, again you may have chosen to ignore the absolute wreck that my life was 7 years ago, I fully accept that I probably deserved all that happened but the fact still remains that I have had to painfully piece my life back together, I have paid the full price for what I did both morally and legally. I do not owe you anything.
Secondly, you still talk about guilt and blame on your part, I have never ever said that any of the past was your fault in any way whatsoever, in fact just the opposite, I have always accepted full responsibility for what happened, YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME ,IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. I admitted everything to your Mother when challenged and I pleaded guilty at court, I have never said to you that I thought you were in any way to blame.
Thirdly, this is my observation and I would stress that it is only my feelings about things. I wonder if you actually really want to stop the negative feelings that you say you have, you seem to use it as justification for some of the questionable things you do, how much do you actually want to recover, or is it that you are just more comfortable being the eternal victim.
Fourthly, if what you say about the rest of your family is indeed true then I am appalled by their actions, the very people you should be able to rely on to support and help you have let you down badly, I have always had reservations about your Mother,Father and brothers true motives for wanting to see me in court and it appears that I may have been correct. Your Father wanted revenge, your Mother rid of me (as I had ceased to be financially useful) and your brother to placate his hysterical wife. None of them it would appear wanted it for you.
I am sorry if my tone seems harsh but I think it better that you have a clear picture on how I feel about things, I am not racked by guilt, sat at home wringing my hands waiting for absolution. The reason? NECESSITY, because there was no other alternative, basically sink or swim. I have had to get on with life and with a will to succeed and support from family I have regained some self respect and stability and above all the love and companionship of a very special person.
You are not the only person who has had problems in their life and has had to get over traumatic events, you have much to look forward too and work for, do not let life slip by.
Please start posting your questions on FR as soon as you wish.
I will send you the details of the police contact in the next few days.

I swear you have NO reason to distrust me

Dear *******
I have fought long and hard all my life to arrive at this point today. I am trying to recover. I will be willing to give you my phone number so that you can call me at home and maybe if you hear my voice you might be able to trust that better. I find that writing mails does not give the impact of tone or expression and can easily be led to be misunderstood. I would be happy to find someone that will act as a mediator and provide safety for the situation. Maybe the police have people that can be utilised for such a meeting.
If the police wish to contact me then - if you provide me with a name and number I can contact them and let them know where I live.
I can only assume that is you that chooses not to revisit the past for fear of what it may bring, but as far as I am concerned there is nothing to fear and I have such hope that one day that I may be released from the pain of past and the overwhelming and enormous impact it has and continues to have on my life.
I understand that you that you feel it best yet I don't I feel it best that this is an opportunity to move on and clear the slate - so I may forgive myself and then you can truly forgive yourself. If are are human and you do have a conscience then take this chance while it is here. You can then perhaps live the rest of days knowing that you have put right what went wrong. I too have done many things and hurt many people in my life and if I can recover then I can make amends to these people. The one person I am hurting the most is my Son. He is eight now and I have so many things to apologize to him for when he is old enough to understand.
Please try to think of me in a way that has some compassion and not as someone that you see as a threat. I am only a threat if it is you that cannot see that repairing this will bring some peace to many people. Please have some compassion for me. I am hurt child that has still not grown up and I am asking my Parents for help. I am stuck in the past and will maybe die never to have experienced release from my self hatred.
With Honesty on my Life I swear you have NO reason to distrust me.

I swear you have NO reason to distrust me

Dear *******
I have fought long and hard all my life to arrive at this point today. I am trying to recover. I will be willing to give you my phone number so that you can call me at home and maybe if you hear my voice you might be able to trust that better. I find that writing mails does not give the impact of tone or expression and can easily be led to be misunderstood. I would be happy to find someone that will act as a mediator and provide safety for the situation. Maybe the police have people that can be utilised for such a meeting.
If the police wish to contact me then - if you provide me with a name and number I can contact them and let them know where I live.
I can only assume that is you that chooses not to revisit the past for fear of what it may bring, but as far as I am concerned there is nothing to fear and I have such hope that one day that I may be released from the pain of past and the overwhelming and enormous impact it has and continues to have on my life.
I understand that you that you feel it best yet I don't I feel it best that this is an opportunity to move on and clear the slate - so I may forgive myself and then you can truly forgive yourself. If are are human and you do have a conscience then take this chance while it is here. You can then perhaps live the rest of days knowing that you have put right what went wrong. I too have done many things and hurt many people in my life and if I can recover then I can make amends to these people. The one person I am hurting the most is my Son. He is eight now and I have so many things to apologize to him for when he is old enough to understand.
Please try to think of me in a way that has some compassion and not as someone that you see as a threat. I am only a threat if it is you that cannot see that repairing this will bring some peace to many people. Please have some compassion for me. I am hurt child that has still not grown up and I am asking my Parents for help. I am stuck in the past and will maybe die never to have experienced release from my self hatred.
With Honesty on my Life I swear you have NO reason to distrust me.

Back to front Upside down - Im the bad Girl!!!!

I have thought long and hard about all this, I have also discussed the matter with the Police again(they are still trying to find you)and the answer is still the same. Personal contact between us would be a mistake on both our parts,I'm afraid I do not trust you or your motives.If it is answers to questions that you want please ask them via FR, I will try to answer honestly and fully.

Welcome Home

Hello *******,
I hope your time away was restful. I think that you said you were away for 2 weeks. I am guessing that you have returned.
I am hoping that you have considered to meet me. Please remember this meeting will be to help me and perhaps you and again rest assured that it will not be an accusatory or slanging confrontation, but to help me to understand and clear so much of the confusion that I carry around help my recovery.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Regards and Hope

Painful but hopeful wait.

Whilst I waited for the weeks to pass, I grew more hopeful - hopeful that he would have some time to reflect, some time to look at this and understand the depth of the pain that I was in and have been for most of my life!....hopeful that he would see how important it was for me to make some sense of what happened to me. Ive gone around my life until recently being "invisible", "paralysed" and so extremely hard on my self. With several suicide attempts under my belt and nothing to show for my life except a string of failed relationships and mirroring my mothers neglectful behaviour onto my son, I have been deeply unhappy all my life. Since my recovery began and I realised that "I had a right to life" - I have experienced some real and pure moments of joy, and for that I am grateful and it has given me the drive and power to try to move forward and understand that my life can have a purpose. Those moments are rare and each day a struggle. Some times weeks go past and I realize that I have been playing out my invisible role and then it takes me a week or so to work out what triggered it and then a few days of self honesty which requires so much effort and it pulls me around to one of those moments when I can breathe in life and say to myself - its alright to be me, its alright to make mistakes, its alright because I'm learning new ways to be. To be kind to myself, to be soft, to be gentle and to be nurturing and give myself a pat on the back when the picture all falls into to place that I have to love myself is that moment when I feel alive. That sense of freedom when the past is not chained around my neck and suffocating and suppressing me is blissful. They don't last long but each time they are getting a bit longer and each time I get a little more confident and a little more knowledge and a little more power over my own life.

What comes next on the exchanges for me propelled me into confusion and then a dawning realization that the hope I had for my book was not to be. I had even thought of a title and had fantasies of what good I could do to help myself and others through the painful legacy of abuse.

Who is the victim - I wondered

It is late and I must go now, as I said I am away for the next 2 weeks, I WILL think about what you have said and will reply when I return.

Try to Listen - This is about my Recovery

No this is not about money. This is about me trying really hard very very hard to repair my life. I don't want to be unfair but I've sent a few pleading emails and you had a few punches and that does not compair to what you did to me.
Truthfully Im seeking some compassion from the two people that were supposed to take care of me and deep down I'm hoping that maybe they can be sorry and make me feel like it wasn't my fault. I am in therapy, I'm doing really well at my 12 step meetings and working through steps. I want to be able to pass the message to other survivors of child sexual abuse that there is a message out there that says "that if someone causes you harm instead of perpetuating a never end world of torment - there is hope and the people that have harmed you are willing to make amends" and maybe to help reduce child abuse happening and the devastating effects that it has on the family. You maybe have a life know and know one knows yet my life everyone I meet that means anything to me has to know about my past because I cant function properly unless they know, and that includes being a mother to my son. I haven't bonded with him because I still am incapable of showing my feelings. he is 8 now and when he reaches the age where I can talk to him as an adult I will spend so much time apologizing to him for just not being there for him and I will too have to tell him why - that most of my life I am just completely numb and know not how to love and cherish anything good in my life because I just feel like I don't deserve to be happy
I have been in denial for many years and totally minimized what happened and how it affected me so deeply. I want this to be over for me and I know that the only person I need to forgive is myself and I want to say if you don't want to help me then it is your choice obviously but cant you understand that I want to put the pieces of my life together. You wrote to Mum from prison saying that you wanted my forgiveness. How exactly were you going to that. There are things that I want to know and surely this too is a chance for you to undo what you did. When you die one day you can say that I did a massive injustice in the world but I did everything I could to put it right. It wont be an easy thing to do, I can assure you that as far as meeting you is concerned I want to keep this anonymous and civilized.
I m not harassing you - I am asking for my life back - and I am asking you if you will help. I want to hear your side of the story from the day it started to today, and I want to know what my mothers part in it was.
I can assure you that this is only about my recovery and I have no interest in involving anyone that you know. And will not come around to your house. I'm not daft why would do anything if I was jeopardizing your life, but I am determined to recover.
Thank you for listening

Money Money Money

What do you want - if it is money that you want - I dont have any. The house I live in is rented and I have nothing and netiher does my wife

He sent a letter from prison to my mother

You once wrote to my mother who I know also have no contact with, you wrote that you fully realise that you took my childhood, innocense and self respect and that you alone carry that responsibility and you said it was easy to write but difficult to do.
I need to talk to you,. I have no intentions of creating waves in your new life, with your new family. Thats why I need to talk to you so that I can move on, just like you have, but I remain in immense pain and am tortured by the events of the past. Going to court was the right thing to do and you were sentenced with a punishment, now I want to talk to you so that you can help me to let go, so one day perhaps I may be able to function, have a family of my own. I have no mother, no brother, a father that cant hug me beacuse he is scared of close contact and how it affected me, and a son that i am making a mess of unable to love. I am in counselling and it is part of a process to really confront the past and you can help me.

He wrote again what do you want

What is it that you want

Harrassment - He called it

What you have been doing amounts to no more than harrasment, you have been extremley threatning. You seem to have convieniently forgotton that the last time I saw you you had me physically assaulted in my own home.
Let me state again that there will not be any personal contact and before I even consider speaking to you on the phone I require some assurances from you to the effect that you will NOT attempt to visit my home or anywhere else that I am.
Please be aware that I am away for the next two weeks and will be out of touch.
Is this about money ?


When I was 26 two male friends and I visited my Mother at the Pub. my friends were there to help me and my mother. He had been assaulting my mother and although she had asked him to leave the house on many occasions (divorce proceedings already in place) he refused to leave. My friends went to the house to assist him in leaving - there were some angry exchanges and I have a tape to this day that they asked him to apologize to me for what he had done. He refused to apologize and it was he that was angry (maybe rightly so for being asked to leave his home) and assaulted my friends in the process nearly breaking one of their necks by throwing him over the banisters. I know that at this point we took the law into our own hands - however when the police arrived with him to collect some clothes and then to be told he was not allowed within 5 miles of the house in the future, the police thought it very reasonable what happened and had nothing to say as they were aware of the statement I had made (but not processed at this point) regarding the sexual abuse. The neighbours also only heard him being abusive to my friends and not the other way round.

He logged back on the FU site

Thank you for logging back on. Have you done this because you are willing to talk to me. I would like to meet up as I have a couple of questions that I need to ask in the first instance. I am willing to protect your anonimity if you will do this. As I said the first I do not wish to cause waves in your current life - as I know only to well the devasting effects that it can have - I simply need some answers and information. For this I will be grateful as I know that meeting you will be of help to me. I do not wish shout or argue. It will be a placid (perhaps painful) and informative meeting. If you are willing to meet can you provide me with a tlephone number and a time to ring you to arrange a meeting. It will be somewhere in public.