its been nearly 3 years since i blogged. trying to recover from sexual abuse has thrown me off track for some time and yet here i am again lower than Ive been before but wanting so much more to stick to my recovery.
i got lost, stuck in relationship with someone who was very controlling and then into another that was abusive and at the height of my battle with alcohol (and his).
A refuge in bath, a new home, and nearly tow years of being single, and 3 years on from these last entries I'm slowly and so very painfully back on track
Ive found a great counsellor Sarah, she's so there and in it with me, i feel hopeful that i can start to really face and address this tragedy and change the legacy of my abuse from being that victim to being a survivor with strength hope and success.
2 weeks ago today i contacted the police. its finally come to a catastrophic conclusion that my birth mother was so most definitely complicit in the abuse. He sexually abused me, but she most definitely chronically neglected me and her failure to provide a duty of care to me resulted in the abuse starting, continuing for over 10 years, and her failure to notify any services in order to protect me from further abuse. The police are coming to see me soon to take my statement
Mathew, my brother who I have been entranged from for the last 3 years is now back in touch. He is willing to to talk to the police and witness my statement. My father, although he does not fully understand is somewhere on the ladder of support. I have been abstinent from alcohol over the last year except for the odd, panic binge, but i have not used it all this year or last for any kind of social prop. It has been significant in my recovery as Alcohol has just been a way of delaying or not facing the sadness and pain that it so suppressed within me. Today I am a co dependant, survivor or child sexual abuse, a recovering alcoholic and diagnosed with PT SD. Yesterday was my lowest point, crawling on my hands and knees just to take a pee, and truth is i would of rather wet my self than get up but lying in a bed stinking of piss when my son came home from school wasn't the ansa.. so i crawled. Ive prayed a lot over the last few weeks and the only thing that dropped out of the sky was the CHILD SAFETY SEAT WITH SIDE IMPACT PROTECTION patented by none other than my step father, bold as brass, on the Internet.... still I'm trying t see it as a gift, when it forced me to vomit and vomit at the thought of him touching and abusing another child, it felt like a stake in my heart and that he was screwing his heels into my forehead and smiling that venomous smile that he would and always be able to get away with everything and that no one could ever have anything over on him. it felt like he a found a way to dig and twist that knife in further and deeper, pouring in the insult and lying there powerless to do anything but vomit.
I'm to exhausted to write anymore, other than to document a plan of self care to fight with this paralysing state I'm in.
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