A few weeks ago I was a home with ****** we were having a bottle wine, listening to music, it was just a few days after New Year. My son and his son had gone to be a few hours earlier and I heard a noise "did you hear that?" He said he didnt and yet I knew I had heard something.. just the kids still awake I thought...better go and check on them I thought. So off I trotted down stairs across the hall and back up the stairs... to find the boys messing around with no many clothes on... doing boys stuff I figured although it was hard for me to deal with situations like that but I did ok - I checked in with them both and they were just "messing" and neither one was co-ercing the other to do things.
When I got back upstairs (the otherside of the house) I sat down, and suddenly my mind turned into thousands of filing cabinets each file flying out of the draw each paiece of paper flying round the room, my head was in a whirl and I started spinning and tears streaming down my face. it was too much, I had to hold it together with every ounze that I could muster and find of togetherness. ......SHE MUST OF KNOWN. She(my mother) to this day has denied knowing about the abuse and I have until two years ago just gone with this "truth" that she offered - in fact not sure that I even quetioned her about it - maybe once or twice - and the response I got a few times were "I did suspect on a few occaisions" which did sort of make me think - well why didnt you do anything - and then just came back to the thoughts - poor mum she had to live with him too - the awful monster, she was propably scared and very unsure, after all its not easy to confront someone and tell them you "suspect" that they are sexually abusing your duaghter! So I would just let it go, see the tears in her eyes, thinking/hoping that they might be tears for me, because I have had such a god awful life!!!! Yet sat there on the sofa the other night with all those filing cabinets spewing every time he every abused me - the thousands of time that he abused me, over 10 F*******g years did she NOT THINK to once go and check on me - did she never hear one noise, not one floor board creak, not footstep on the stairs, the whiskey cabinet opening and closing, NOT ONE SINGLE noise all that time, all those 10 years living in a houses that were cheaply made of plaster board that you can hear someone turning in their bed from the next room. Every event was flying through my head, all the times I would fall out of bed, all the times I would pretend sleep walk, all the times that I would have pretend nightmares.
I wrote a poem months ago about how she did not hear me silently screaming, but for god dam certain she must have hearde the noises, I bloody did. And did she not once ever think to go and check on her own daughter. i heard one noise in my house with thick wall s and two staircases away and I went to check on my child to see if everything was ok and that he was safe.
Of course she must of heard..... It was life the proof that I needed. I stopped talking to her about a year ago becasue I put myself into thereapy and becasue I had always protected my mum and never saw any of this denail - I was a part of it and she kept me in it and she knew so well how to teach me denail. She was an expert. This year i have battled with the loss of my mum in my life becasue she always maintained she never knew. Now with confidence _ I can say "I do not trust what you say"
DO YOU KNOW WHAT GOES ON IN YOUR HOUSE? - I DO
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