I want to help to generate more awareness and get a message out there. Sometimes I am not sure how to get out the words that I need to with out sounding like I am still so lost. To those who read my story and feel the same - and sadly I know it will be many please help me to generate a different kind of awareness - one that I hope to take to the governments to change the way that abuse is portrayed not only in the media but to potential abusers.
I don't feel so lost anymore. I have spent nearly two years in recovery and I intend to stay in recovery for the rest of my life.
I was sexually abused from the age of 4 until I was 15 and suffered severe neglect from Birth until now from my family. I do have one parent - my father -that was not involved and new nothing of the abuse until I told him when I was 16.
A family is supposedly the grounds, the foundations of life for a child to grow, to be nurtured and cared for in safety and in love, yet for so many including my self it became a prison of torture, lies,
deceit and denial.
To have your childhood stolen from your life meant to me that i have not yet been able to grow up. Slowly slowly and so incredibly painfully I am trying to make a life for myself. Today I am 10 months from being 40 years old and I am a prisoner in my own flat and struggle to integrate with the world and feel like a outcast. I am fortunate to have a beautiful son that reminds me daily that I have to live and function and for him I can smile and through him I am learning to live and understand my past and how fragile and vulnerable life is to a child. I am already deeply in debt to him, a second generation survivor and daily I am sorry to him in my prayers because he too has suffered from the abuse done to me. It is for him that my recovery is so important and that I do not pass on a legacy to him. I have become aware since being in recovery (instead of my own denial) that I have the power to change and that I can recover from abuse and I can recover because I have found a reason to live.
Nearly tow years ago I went to South Africa to a drug treatment rehabilitation centre - codependently following a boyfriend that had a drug addiction. I myself have been fortunate not to become involved in drugs but my recovery is from codependency and sexual abuse.
I had a blinding revelation after a week of being there that "I" had a right to life. I really didn't know this until then. It was all for everyone else. I was there for everyone else's use. I was useful because I was the best "fixer" there was. I could fix everyone.
Maybe even you might think know that my blog will be about "fixing" - yes to a degree, but I believe my story will be one that many will relate to and hopefully support me in what I want to say to the world.
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