Painful but hopeful wait.

Whilst I waited for the weeks to pass, I grew more hopeful - hopeful that he would have some time to reflect, some time to look at this and understand the depth of the pain that I was in and have been for most of my life!....hopeful that he would see how important it was for me to make some sense of what happened to me. Ive gone around my life until recently being "invisible", "paralysed" and so extremely hard on my self. With several suicide attempts under my belt and nothing to show for my life except a string of failed relationships and mirroring my mothers neglectful behaviour onto my son, I have been deeply unhappy all my life. Since my recovery began and I realised that "I had a right to life" - I have experienced some real and pure moments of joy, and for that I am grateful and it has given me the drive and power to try to move forward and understand that my life can have a purpose. Those moments are rare and each day a struggle. Some times weeks go past and I realize that I have been playing out my invisible role and then it takes me a week or so to work out what triggered it and then a few days of self honesty which requires so much effort and it pulls me around to one of those moments when I can breathe in life and say to myself - its alright to be me, its alright to make mistakes, its alright because I'm learning new ways to be. To be kind to myself, to be soft, to be gentle and to be nurturing and give myself a pat on the back when the picture all falls into to place that I have to love myself is that moment when I feel alive. That sense of freedom when the past is not chained around my neck and suffocating and suppressing me is blissful. They don't last long but each time they are getting a bit longer and each time I get a little more confident and a little more knowledge and a little more power over my own life.

What comes next on the exchanges for me propelled me into confusion and then a dawning realization that the hope I had for my book was not to be. I had even thought of a title and had fantasies of what good I could do to help myself and others through the painful legacy of abuse.