I posted this letter anonymously in a brown envelope and disguised it so that it look like a job specification and inside I put two jobs specifications for a lab technician - because this is the job that he said he was doing on friends reunited - I just wanted to talk to him and not "shatter" his life - I was not sure whether his new wife new about the abuse
My life is un-manageable at the moment, in so many ways that I don't know where to start.Perfectionism is a really obvious one, in my head I am trying to do everything perfectly to try and cover up my toxic shame, and then I end up making mistakes or procrastinating because I have set myself up with un-realistic expectations of myself and then get angry with myself for not being able to come through, and so the shame cycle perpetuates itself. I am also physically un-well, which I know is my body’s way of telling me to take care of myself. I have so much self hatred coming up that I don't feel like I deserve to take care of myself,and yet the healthy part of me is getting angry with myself because it believes that I am worth taking care of. I always think that I was the one in the wrong, maybe I am just a drama queen with an over active imagination, maybe I'm the one that's really f*c%d! up
Your disappearance from friends reunited has meant I have reverted back to my co-dependency traits of isolation, not trusting people, not trusting myself, I am just really struggling. I am struggling to make sense of the madness that I am experiencing at the moment. I am addicted to shaming myself, and then shaming myself for being so hard on myself. I want and need balance and I don't know how to get there. I want to trust my higher power again, but I guess I feel like my HP has abandoned me. The truth is that I have abandoned my true self. I have given my power away by trying to get you and my mothers approval and validation, even though I know you are steeped in denial. I have been in Coda for the past year and I feel afraid to share
how bad and depressed I am feeling because I am scared that people will get angry
with me because they will think that I am full of self pity and being a victim, and I hate to admit it, but I probably have been these things. But I guess I have also relapsed back into being a victim because I didn't give myself permission to really experience the grief around the loss of my relationship with "my parents" and now I am overcompensating. Having said that I don't want to continue making myself a victim, I need to accept that grief is a natural response to this loss and not a sign that I am weak and not "working a program - that's another co-dependent character defect I have been re-cycling, that being vulnerable is bad and yet I know from the past that when I stop forcing myself to be "together" and allow myself to be vulnerable with myself and with people who are safe, I empower myself. I am having a hard time allowing myself to be human and allow myself emotions without condemning, judging and punishing myself for having them (a trait I picked up in my family of origin). I have been so judgmental, critical and chastising of myself to the point where I have really been considering killing myself again. I know that I am powerless over that stuff at the moment,but my character defect of trying to control things that I do not have control over is still going because I guess I have relapsed into thinking that my higher power is a punishing and condemning one. I want to believe, I want to trust that if I let go, my life will start to become manageable, as it has in the past when I have surrendered. I do have some hope, because I know I have done it before, so it's not that I can't do it, it's just that I'm struggling to right now. I am trying to force myself to surrender and maybe I just need to accept right now, that my inner child is holding on because all her old hurt, abandonment and terror has re-surfaced. I really need to accept my powerlessness over my parents, and forcing myself to be working. I need to allow myself to feel all the anger, rage, hurt, sadness and grief that I feel around your abandonment, neglect, abuse, denial, shaming of me and harm that If feel in relation to your actions and lack of actions, without judging myself for it. I feel like I am going crazy, and that makes me suspect that there may be some more memories of abuse coming up. I dream all the time about being sexually abused and I struggle to know whether that is a memory or not and tend to dis-count it, because it is not a "flashback". I know that ultimately I have to believe in myself and forgive myself, but I am so addicted to making everything about me wrong and then I project my judgementalism onto others as a way of not having to feel more shame about myself, and yet then I shame myself because I know I am acting out a character defect that I despise. I know that this is not a very positive letter but I want I feel safe to share this stuff ,it's just where I am at and maybe you who will be able to relate. I have just been holding all this stuff in, in just massive denial and now all these emotions and thoughts are coming out left, right and centre. I have had to be responsible and put on a happy face with going to work and thinking that I was OK, but now the emotional pain is so overwhelming and painful that I can't deny it. I don't want to deny it, the longer I try and hold it together, the more my life seems to fall apart, the more my life becomes un-manageable. I know I need help, and yet I still feel reluctant to ask for help because I feel like such a burden and I guess really if I allow people to see how bad I really feel they will pass me off as a hopeless case.I am not hopeless, I know that I am a good decent human being, but I am presently experiencing the hangover voice from my childhood that tells me I'm bad, hopeless, crazy and mad, and the adult part of me knows that they are lies, but the critical parent has really taken over and has lead me to get swept up in the old lies. I have to remember they are lies, and keep telling myself I am a good person. Recovering from this stuff is taking every inch of my energy at the moment........................Please log back on to friends reunited I want to talk.
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