To add to your comments I have put some answers in ....(brackets) all of what I say is with no malice it is calm & honest. Please read it in that context. reading the written word is so open to misinterpretation
I have again considered at some length your last message, I will not get involved in any sort of mediation no matter what agency you suggest and there will not be any personal meetings of any kind..... (I meant someone simply to be present so that you felt comfortable that I was genuine)
I WILL answer your questions via FR and possibly talk to you by telephone at a later date when and if I feel confident that it is actually only answers that you want..... (That is what I want - but eventually I would want to meet)
How can I possibly trust you when you veer between threats and moral blackmail,....(I have been abused and I am not perfect and I am prone to rage and depression and irrational behaviour) how can I rely on what you say when you have threatened me in the past....(I asked you if you would meet me a long time ago now and you removed yourself from FR - I got angry and I apologize for that but perhaps it is also your responses that invoke the anger in me as you are harsh, angry and particularly uncompassionate my mother is the same "I'm over it so go away"
I think that there are some things that I need to say before you start asking questions, it may give you an insight into my feelings on the matter.
Firstly, I do not seek or need your forgiveness,.... (then that is fortunate for you - so surely there can be no problem in helping me - just you said that was what you wanted when you were in prison) -you may have forgotten or chosen to forget that you have in fact forgiven me twice before.......(I remember - i thought that If I said I forgive you that the pain would go away. I was pressured by you both to do that....I didn't know what I was saying I was so screwed up whereas now i am just screwed up with two years of therapy behind me and "in recovery" I know that I do not need to forgive you only myself and this is why I am asking for help) , you cannot keep on using it as a bargaining chip .....(I can never bargain back my childhood you took from me me, I am not using it, "it" has consumed me and I have not known any other way" you could try to understand that I am still a little girl who's daddy and mummy betrayed her) or method of getting what you want..........(you can help me to move on if you behave in a way that offers more compassion I want to move on now Today and the sooner we can meet the better I am committed to my recovery and I have not entered into it before now as the damaged that was caused suppressed so much of what I felt..by going to therapy I have now begun to realize the massive impact it has had on my behaviour and like I said before there are many things that i have done that have caused pain to others because I was so screwed up.) I have had to move on from events in the past, again you may have chosen to ignore......(I haven't even been able to take care of myself let alone consider the lives of others and I am not proud of myself) the absolute wreck that my life was 7 years ago,... I fully accept that I probably deserved all that happened but the fact still remains that I have had to painfully piece my life back together, I have paid the full price for what I did both morally and legally. I do not owe you anything..... (no you don't owe me a thing - no one owes anything thing to anyone in life....(so why do I feel like you don't care what has happened to me, neither does my mother you were my parents , you were my father for 20 years. If you morally have paid what is it that you did to make amends to me personally that I missed) (In fact I know that you both don't care if I am OK because you both have never asked me how I am or if I am OK!!! and I doubt that you both ever will because you wouldn't want to hear me.
Secondly, you still talk about guilt and blame on your part, I have never ever said that any of the past was your fault in any way whatsoever, in fact just the opposite, I have always accepted full responsibility for what happened, YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME ,IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.....(growing up in such dysfunction and being a sexual abuse survivor it is just normal unfortunately to feel these things) I admitted everything to your Mother when challenged and I pleaded guilty at court,....(they told me that you were going to plead not guilty right up until 5 minutes of walking into the courtroom and that I should drop the charges and that I was making it all up) I have never said to you that I thought you were in any way to blame. (it feels like it always has though, that I am at the root of it all and yet no one will willing talk to me - its like I did something wrong and that feeling wont go until i can be assured more, cared about more and listened to. My therapist does a pretty good job - but she was not there living with us and I was young and have difficulty recalling it all)
Thirdly, this is my observation and I would stress that it is only my feelings about things. I wonder if you actually really want to stop the negative feelings that you say you have, you seem to use it as justification for some of the questionable things you do, how much do you actually want to recover, or is it that you are just more comfortable being the eternal victim. ...(maybe you are right and if you are that would mean that I stalk you for the rest of my life - Do you really believe that this is what I would do - I am a victim of the abuse and neglect of both you and my mother and if you doubt my willingness to want to move on then you are very very much mistaken I have things that I want to do with my life and break free from the debilitating and paralysing feelings that have choked me for many years. I will one day be OK I believe, and it doesn't matter to me if no-one else does. I have had 6 failed relationships, 4 suicide attempts and misery in my life. Inside I have hated myself despised myself and wanted nothing more than to not exist, only now I recognize this part of myself, this is the child that was abused, who is hurt and angry, numb isolated and stuck, and over the past year I am able to start separating that from my victimish behaviour that has certainly ruled my life for so long. I am able to say to myself now or to that "inner child" that it is OK and you are just hurting and what can I do to make you feel better. I do things like hug myself, make a cup of tea, hug a cuddly toy or draw a picture or take it to therapy and do something to stop feeling so dam sorry for myself by acknowledging that that side of me does exist.
Fourthly, if what you say about the rest of your family is indeed true then I am appalled by their actions, the very people you should be able to rely on to support and help you have let you down badly, I have always had reservations about your Mother,Father and brothers true motives for wanting to see me in court and it appears that I may have been correct. Your Father wanted revenge, your Mother rid of me (as I had ceased to be financially useful) and your brother to placate his hysterical wife. None of them it would appear wanted it for you. (this much I know - so as you can see No one wants to listen to me. and no-one wants to go there because they would rather just "get on with their lives"
I am sorry if my tone seems harsh but I think it better that you have a clear picture on how I feel about things, I am not racked by guilt, sat at home wringing my hands waiting for absolution. The reason? NECESSITY, because there was no other alternative, basically sink or swim. I have had to get on with life and with a will to succeed and support from family I have regained some self respect and stability and above all the love and companionship of a very special person..... (well this is what I always wanted - yet I know that I only have myself as my family has splintered into a million pieces.
You are not the only person who has had problems in their life and has had to get over traumatic events, you have much to look forward too and work for, do not let life slip by. .....(This much I know too and the voices in my head let me know this regularly - its hard though because when you are numb from the inside out you don't even notice that life has past you by. I am trying Andrew..I am trying really hard.)
Please start posting your questions on FR as soon as you wish.
My first question1. Will you go and buy some books to read so that perhaps you have a better understanding of my side of the events as then perhaps we will be able to do this with a little bit more compassion. I am extremely fragile and I need to know that you aren't going to keep on going on about me being a "victim" or using "this situation" or "bargaining chip" language.
2. I don't want anymore mails like the ones above because they are blaming and shaming and I have done and had enough of that in my life and I am sure that you have had enough of that too. Is this OK. I will ask questions - maybe you will have some for me... I wish to just listen to the answers and perhaps ask more questions based on you answers. (if you read the books that I will suggest there will be no need for me to want to explain how things make me feel.) The mail above just cause reactionary feelings and invoke painful triggers and they are unnecessary to what I want to achieve from this.
3. I want to hear in depth about your childhood starting back at your earliest memories. I would like you to know about your family, who they were and the impact that they had on your life. What kind of parents were they. Good stuff as well as bad. The more you write the more it will help me to have a clearer understanding of how things evolved. Please don't filter anything there is no need because unless it is the truth it just wont be heard.
I will send you the details of the police contact in the next few days.....(That is fine - I will call them.)
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