Friends Renunited.

Not a place I can assure you that I expected to find my abuser, but here he was - bold as brass, larger than life - a picture of him and his new wife on their wedding day and his comments under the picture states "the child in the background of the picture is not mine" what a strange thing to comment - was this for my benefit. Did he know that I would try to find him. My abuser was my step father. He moved in with my mother and to me it felt immediately that he moved in with us all at my grandfathers house the abuse started. "He claims It didn't start until I was 5" ...and your point is - squabbling over a few months - what ever. The abuse started at 4 and the last time was when I was 15 and this was after I had told my mother and the family agreed it would stop. It stopped because eventually I ran away from home. He carried on living with my Mother and my brother eventually left home (age 23 - (he was 2 years my senior)). He stayed with my mother until January and in July 2007 he received a prison sentence of three years of which he served 18 months and a his name put on the sex offenders register for 7 years (now no longer listed). This sentence was based on some particular events that I recalled for the statement I made to The head of the CPU in Guildford. He was given this sentence for over 10 years of excessive (sometimes every night - in never went more than a few days without him coming to my room) sexual abuse. He took my childhood and he has never made amends to me. His version of events in that I shattered his life.

The next few posts are are the communication that I had with him on friends reunited last year. I found him and contacted him in January. The first time he replied all he said was "what is it that you want" (unfortunately this note has been deleted now from friends reunited and he removed his profile promptly when I said I wanted some answers.) I was in therapy at the time and decided that I would find him through the electoral register and hand deliver a note.

I had a motive and that motive I never got to explain to him because it the communication was so difficult just to get him to hear me - because "he didn't trust me" My motive which has now changed but it was something like this. I had done a lot of self healing, but he (and my mother) hold so many of the pieces and I felt confident enough to be able to meet with him as an "adult" and sit and discuss what had happened in my life, what had gone on for him and why did he do and how did he feel" I wanted to interview him and go through my life piece by piece and put it back together and write a book and If I am honest I wanted to know a few things, mainly and most personally was he sorry and what did he think he could do to make it better for me...Take the responsibility and take it away from me. Secondly was he rehabilitated, perhaps he is abusing again and lastly, is it possible to find peace if he took the responsibility and for me to really be able to move on. I know I am healing and only I have the power to do that, but my belief is that if you cause someone some harm only by making amends can you truly move on.

So I wanted to write a book for people who have been abused with a hope that a finished biography of my life would be able show that when adults use their power to make children powerless they can give it back and not take years and years of silence, suppression and depression, the thousands of pounds that get spent in therapy, the drain on mental health resources, the shattered families and scathing, festering denial, could be avoided and the person - me - who was abused can have her life back with out all this fall out that happens when abuse goes on.

He wouldn't really talk to me, so much as he just continued being abusive, so I never got to that point of being able to ask him if he would help me to write that book, and I never got to write that book so I am going to do it in a different way. Here are the posts below the ones from "him" are in green and the ones from me are in red.